I never should have loved you

I know that now

for even then I saw

good-bye in your eyes.

You were so innocent, so naive..,

You were everything I thought

I ever needed to see.

I never should have loved you

you never really knew me.

Mama told you what to believe,

Papa called you a fool

to love a dreamer, an artist,

A man who lived only

by his own rules.

I never should have loved

you but your tears blinded me.

I thought you understood.

Instead you slipped thru my fingers.

You offered me a dagger

and then cut into my soul.

I was young when I met you

but our good-bye had turned me so old.

Now, if ever I think of you

I whisper to myself

I never should have loved you,

you were only fool's gold.

I died twice in a decade

Spent years slowly shriveling to a husk, becoming empty

Bones crushed to dust by the weight of “what if?”

My ghost haunted this world

Even as misery bloated my corpse,

Covered in shrouds of “should have“ and “supposed to be”

My first death was an instant and an eternity

My second death came quickly, the kind of ancient mercy

That death became a formless state

Fearless, and willing to be reborn

Ended by electricity shocking a still heart

A double bass drum pounding resuscitation

Breathing life with howling screams

Into the place of primal awakening

Knowing finally the freedom to exist as my spirit dictates

Within the sacred surrender to sound

That cacophony of energy

A mass of swirling forms

Like a portal to another dimension,

I found the resurrection of identity

ive cried every day this week

and I'm not sure why

ive never been so fucking depressed

but it's alright

or at least I think it is

i've listened to more music

but each song makes me sad

ive paid much more attention to the words

"I had a feeling so peculiar

that this pain would be for

Evermore"

i listened to that song for an hour staight

while crying

and lying in bed instead of going to work

keeping my boyfriend worried

keep him on his toes

i'm on my toes too

i don't know why I feel like this

why it wont stop

no one is mad at me

so why do I feel that the world is against me

like there is a gun to my back

i almost want him to pull the trigger

he wont

who cares what I want

but I just want to be okay

why is it so hard to feel normal

fuck

fuck

i cant stop my fingers

they move at lighting speed

writing the longest poem know to man

nobody will read it, stupid

it's not pleasant, because my mind hasn't been pleasant

nobody wants to know what you're going through

they want to read an entertaining piece of art

write that

no, I don't want to I can't

who cares who reads it, I wrote it

barely, I havent even got out of bed today

i woke up at 2pm

lazy

sloppy

ungrateful

be better

i can't

im trying my best

so try harder

i can barely keep myself clean

THEN TRY HARDER

i cant

i cant

i cant

you wont

you wont

you wont

your the reason for all your problems

self-sabatoage is your middle name

you wont get up

you wont work on your album

you wont write poetry

you wont smile

you wont change your clothes

you wont take a shower

it's possible, you just wont

you want to stay sad

admit it

you like feeling helpless

you like that lack of control

i dont

but you need it

i can't have this conversation

you wont

you avoid confrontation because you love it

fine I wont have this conversation

goodnight

it's a hidden ocean,

seaweed tapping at my calves,

half submerged with a perfect view of the horizon.

you're here too,

brushing a finger across my thumb.

my eyes like lemon water: seeing for the first time.

maybe we were made for this.

i'm a little blinded by the sun

you kiss my neck

whirlpools under our feet and stars spinning overhead.

the music of the water and the sound of our breathing.

i caught a copper penny, flying by on the current.

identical on both sides but lucky all the same;

i'd like to believe in it.

i wedged it in the space between my lungs and my heart,

the same place i've been keeping you.

and the ocean laps at the backs of my knees.

the stars drop one by one into the water, turning to fish.

and the whole world knows that we are

nothing and everything

but i'm not sure we understand that ourselves,

when we're too busy digging our fingers into each others sides,

tumbling through the ocean like loose starfish,

sparkling just under the surface.

it's all completely new.

unreal, but as endless as the ocean.

Hi all!

I don’t know how to tag names.

I just wanted to send a very sincere thanks, with hulking heaps of gratitude to all who have taken the time to read my poems, whether you commented, liked them or didn’t.

Just knowing some fellow poets read them really blessed me.

I want to thank Prose and their incredible team for their literary platform, as it has opened me up to some truly daring, cutting edge and inspiring poets. I was also speechless that “Beguiling Eye” was chosen and read on your channel! I shared that with my family and friends like a kid at Christmas.

I’ve completed my first book, 50 poems chosen out of 80, and it’s being professionally formatted by an author friend.

I have zero idea on the next step thereafter:

Self publish or shop it to UK Publishers? (Comments are welcomed on this one ☺️)

Either way, I believe in it, am blessed and grateful that the good Lord gave me the desire and ability to express my heart through words.

If you happen to read this, I encourage you to realize that Prose has offered a home to us; a literary dorm, think tank, social club or the equivalent of hanging with good people, enjoying what’s on our minds and hearts, where no one is too weird or too normal, but everyone can come as they are.

No stuffy pretension, just a wonderfully raw place that has afforded me the kind luxury of excitedly sharing my poems, and the thrill of discovering brilliant poets that inspire me (and I can’t tag, as I don’t know how, but you all are terrific.)

Prose and the community has been a profoundly wonderful find for me, and has encouraged me to move forward in my book, and believing more in myself.

OK, my morning cup of coffee is wanting to prattle me on, but anyhow, a huge thanks.

Be well, be blessed, be happy and never give up.

LDW

xx

i’m the stepping stone to your radiant future

the guilty figment of your past,

you covet me gently in guilty arms

while you tip the hourglass

i’m the encyclopedia of your soul

i worship the divine libraries of your mind,

burdened with your words engraved in gold

& films of tarnished memories i can’t turn blind

i don’t take your blasé disposition lightly

and i’ll hate myself vehemently in the desolate silence of your pauses,

but to feel the soft spark your presence enflames

i’ll be home soon my love, and undermine the causes

wrap my deep wounds in your flimsy bandaids

your bullets are comforting and sweet,

she’s everything i long for when i look in the mirror

she’s the dream-laced standard i couldn’t beat.

i was the stepping stone to your radiant future

now the guilty figment of your past,

my broken heart trapped in sunset amber

wishing you told me i was replaceable.

wishing you told me i was never meant to last.

Are you all participating? If so, tell me about your projects!

I have a challenge for such here: https://theprose.com/challenge/11351

Also, if you’d like to, you can join my discord community full of writers and all things creative!

https://discord.gg/Cbf3NXq

God bless you all, and happy WriMo!