Waltz with me

Beneath the trees

Of plum

And burnished gold

I love you more

Than all the leaves

That swirl beneath our feet

My previous post, Questions, was inspired by the posts of a rising star on this site—a star whose literary "creations" are being celebrated as par excellence. Their posts are also, almost certainly, all or mostly generated by AI. Many of their comments and replies to comments are also from AI.

Questions was generated by ChatGPT and posted unedited, except for the title, which I added. I'll let you all discover the rising star for yourselves, assuming you're interested. Just look for posts that have a similar structure and style as Questions: enchanting, magical, verbose, and a little too sweet. Other telltale signs include liberal use of the word 'whisper' and overly optimistic endings. Think of Questions as your benchmark.

Some of you have been gushing over this rising star's posts so much I thought I was gonna barf on my laptop. I couldn't fucking take any more. Don't get me wrong; I think AI is great. I've worked with it as a developer and in real life. And FWIW, I get that y'all want to be artists and not think about AI. Don't be left behind. AI holds many benefits to you if you learn to use it. But don't be duped by some shithead's AI-generated posts.

10/24/2024

I came into this world two days late, mad as hell. My parents were nine years too far into their marriage. My mom was two years from an overdose attempt and my father, five years from a decade-long disappearance.

My grandfather-- who would later assume my dad's role-- had the quirk of nicknaming all the babies born into the family. Sometimes it took a while, as he needed time to reflect on looks, personality, and memorable moments. Then he would christen them with whatever he found fitting. But mine came in an instant. As I screeched in my mother's arms, wailing in protest, nostalgic for the void, her father pulled me into his age-spotted arms and I settled, growing silent in his embrace.

I like to think that my soul recognized his, that there was some part of me that carried an innate knowing of the traits we shared. But that's a story for another chapter. If you're the skeptical type, then it's a tall tale for another time. My Papa looked at me, and I looked at him, face still flushed with the remnants of my tantrum. On that Tuesday afternoon in the late Southern spring, my nickname chose itself.

Screaming Redcheeks.

Papa was the only one who called me this, and usually shortened it to Redcheeks, rarely calling me by my given name. There was even a paint stick with SCREAMING REDCHEEKS scrawled onto it with a fat-tipped Sharpie, kept atop the china cabinet for the days in which I lived up to my namesake. My tantrums became expected, routine even. I was set off by nearly everything, even trivial matters like the dog not listening or an especially tricky level of a computer game. I was (still am) argumentative and questioned the validity and authority of everyone and everything.

With my history, I find it strange that others describe me as calm or stoic. I was noted as being a polite, intelligent, and motivated child, though that sentiment decreased dramatically in my teens. Anytime I'm complimented on my nature, a montage of screaming fits, unfeeling language, and brazen manipulation flashes through my mind. I think of the year I smashed all the Christmas ornaments during a tantrum, or the time I threw a dining room chair at my mother. I see my children's worried faces and my patterns repeated within them. Then plays a vision of my marriage on the rocks, with my husband wavering on the cliffside, peering into the depths of Irreconcilable Differences.

My temperament breathes in dualities. There's a consistent ebb and flow, tempestuous currents of mood and mentality. There is understanding betrothed to denial. Warm embraces are frozen in a duel with cold calculation. Within hope lives hopelessness. In the absence of mania, comes depression.

I am Screaming Redcheeks. I am Marissa Wolfe.

Somewhere, within the gray of black-white polarities, there have been touches of silver that slow the pendulum just enough to offer glimpses of what healthy, happy, and hopeful looks like. Just enough to strive for. Just enough to snap the paint stick and depart from the path of rage. Anger is birthed from sadness. Sadness is birthed from pain. Pain roots itself, unyielding, into the grooves of the brain and chokes out the chambers of the heart.

And yet, it has been my greatest teacher. My greatest motivator.

The flame-soaked phoenix wails to the heavens, wondering why she's been forsaken, but within her scattered ashes is the chance to start anew. She reforms, entrenched in her cycles, and cries a different song, more knowing than the one before.

It was not quite an ouroboros.

Two birds, linked at the tails, pouring into one another, an ebb and a flow, a yin and yang, the holy messengers of the shifting tides of infinitude. They knew, they forgot, they smiled, and wept. But yet, it was all the same. What has been, will be, pacing footprints destined to become fixtures of the sand.

I slip the ring onto my finger--perfect fit-- and drape the chain around my neck. The earrings catch the lamplight, and the bracelet sings quietly against my wrist.

I lose myself in zirconia and colored glass, fellow fixture of the sand. I will be, I have been, I am, forever linked into the shifting tide.

I wish I knew what healthy love looked like.

Because growing up,

I was never given a good example of it.

The idea of fighting with a significant other makes me physically sick,

because I hate the idea that if I made things inconvenient,

they would just leave.

Yet, I fight with my family all the time.

Maybe it's because I know that they will never leave.

I just want to know what healthy love is,

what it looks like to actually have someone interested in you

and not just because they want to get into my pants.

I will never forget the feeling of giving in

and letting him have what he desperately wanted

only for him to completely lose interest in me.

And it almost broke me,

and there are still days that I feel like the idea of that will completely shatter me to bits.

I just hope to find a love

so unconditional and so wonderful

that all that pain will go away

and I can once again feel whole

in the arms of another.