I go back and read my words a lot

and think about the reflection they might make

it's hard to say just what I think of myself

but I know that I am more than heartache

I write about confusion

about decision making

about the pain that comes when doors are closed for you

I write about my life

and about others that I know

and still others that do not exist,

but that you might relate to

I am not miserable

I am grateful for my life

I believe that God has saved me from the evil of mankind

I am by no means perfect

and I still have (real) bad days

but despite the pain in my words

my life is pretty great.

I am blessed with a family who knows me and is true

in their affection and so I honor them

the best I can

I am blessed with a job that I find fulfilling

despite being incredibly frustrating

I am blessed with the ability to think abstractly and write.

I am blessed with youth and strength

even though I feel myself aging

I am blessed with pain and heartache

that I might recognize when I'm happy

I want to be healthy

kind, understanding

funny, smart, wealthy and wise

I want to raise a family

and work on my whole being

to develop the part of the world that I walk on

and treat it as though it were mine.

There's something about it. That sound, that medley of word and tune. All of a sudden, my fingers tap, my blood rushes and my body begs to be allowed to dance. Within me, some skilled weaver of movement gives spirited twists and turns and sways in utter awe as they are taken over. I sit as still as I can if I am surrounded but when alone, safe, you will never see a freer being. It holds me tight, embraces me with its familiarity, with its passion, with its beauty and lets me know once again that it will be okay. There's nothing more I've wanted, and forever will I be grateful to the gods who allow such divinity to be expressed by the mortals too. Even they, in their ivory towers, can't help but nod along in resignation. Too much power is given to the creators of this art, a blessed gift to help so many breathe anew.

Legs curled under me

in my favorite chair

wrapped in a blanket

safe from the cold air

cup of hot chocolate

or perhaps spiced tea

tabled close at hand

helping me to be

relaxed and at ease

lost in time and place

I forget myself

all problems erased.

The world warms me as it welcomes me this morning, even as the frost forms from my exhaled breath as I glide to my familiar seat on the outside patio.

The radiance in my smile electrifies the frigid air that envelopes me; the hum of civilization buzzes fresh and distinct, engines purring, songbirds squawking, the frazzled housewife in her familiar herding of offspring even finds a fondness in my heart.

Tonight we will meet again, and you will brave me into another tomorrow then, and there is nothing I can't win, and I promise you this, I won't diss this bliss.

It is calming, looking at the bamboo swaying along with the wind, sound of nothing but the nature speaking to the soul, overshadowing the tension gnawing at the back of head. Here, under the gray sky, despite of the storm brewing ahead, there is a sense of ease and completeness in being with no one but myself. Let the hidden world be my company.

Oranges and reds fill the air like a jar of jelly beans

A brisk breeze brushes my skin

The wind a brush in a painter's hand

Laughter weaves around me

Children come and go from school

And here I am still listening to my favorite band

You know that state of feeling broken?

Breathing and living but something seems wrong and you're not exactly sure what?

Thinking you should probably ask for help but you're not sure there's a person on Earth who can understand or know how to assist?

Not wanting to worry others...?

or bother them...?

or burden them...?

You're too empathetic, perhaps.

Feeling feelings when you'd rather not?

Too weak to ignore the voices?

The pulling?

The heart aching?

Muttering 'Help me' to God every other second of the day?

You want to be okay...

You just want to be okay...

So you smile.

You stay kind.

You keep worries in the back of your mind.

But they try to escape.

And, eventually, they do get out, don't they?

They hack their way straight through your heart, leaving you

...broken...

But you don't want to be broken, do you?

You're thankful for God's blessings big and small, right?

You know that, in the end, it will all work out.

It'll all be good.

So you keep going?

Keep pushing?

Keep helping?

Keep loving?

Keep growing?

Keep floating?

Keep holding together on the outside though, on the inside, you're broken?

No?

Oh.

...maybe it's just me.

:)