Click

Oh shit

Someone pulled the trigger

And here I go

Mind racing

Speeding to a halt

Never going fast enough

Yet no one can keep up

My emotions

Out of proportion

Battling critics

Out of control

Heart pounding

Breathing stops

Soul in tune with darkness

Expecting the worst

Right from the start

Body aching

Terror overtaking

Actual reality mistaken

Hope and faith escaping

Those I love

forsaking

This is what happens to me when I get triggered in to an emotional flashback, they are much different than an anxiety attack, but also can have a lot of similar symptoms. hope that you will still accept my entry.

He is perfect to me, not in spite of his flaws, because his flaws are what makes him who he is, without them he would be someone else. He makes me want to spend every second of every day, doing everything I possibly can, just to make him smile. He took what to me was merely another 4 letter word, and finally gave it meaning. Those 3 meaningless words do not need to be spoken, it is shown in every little thing we do, it is felt with in the deepest depths of our souls. I feel it in everything, in things that once were nothing, when our eyes meet from across the room, when his hand lightly touches my cheek, when we kiss, I can even feel it in a passing thought of him. Every moment, without a doubt, I know he loves me, without having to hear the words. He will give me the feeling that some part of me, that I didn't even realize had been missing was now there, i now question how I ever lived without it, and my life, my existance finally has meaning... my world is perfect, because of his love I am whole.

Today there was this moment, a moment in which every fiber of my being seemed to have been hit with an intense electric shock. I could no longer move, my breath caught high in my throat, my stomach in knots, and my heart was overwhelmed by this peculiar feeling of what I can only describe as an over abundance of energy that desperately needed to be released. This moment happened when I realized that I didn't just say goodbye to my father for what I thought would be the last time while standing in the cold November rain, with red and white flashing lights dancing around us, as the most difficult words that will ever cross my lips were muffled by the sound of a running ambulance. I have had to say goodbye to him in some way, every single little moment since then as well, and every time I do, a piece of me dies.

The worst part is that those "moments" seem to be endless. It's not just the obvious moments like holidays and big events. There are so many others, that are just as, if not more challenging to struggle through, in the darkness of the shadow cast by the immense cloud of despair: that is grief. Every single one of those moments, immediately transports my shattered soul back that "The Moment", the moment of all moments, the moment that has forced all these other moments to become "those little moments". It was the moment I spoke those soul shattering words, just as they caught the cool November air and were carried from my lips, I choked on the stagnancy of despair that enveloped my soul, the silence was deafening, and I was left blinded by the darkness.

The first time I heard the word Cancer after losing my father it caused a sadness within me that invoked such an intense feeling of despair it brought me to my knees in anguish and filled me with a hopelessness that seemed almost impossible to shake. Or the first time I called my mother and heard my fathers voice tell me; I'm sorry we're not able to come to the phone right now..." . I could almost feel my hope and faith attempting to escape me as I'm overwhelmed by an excruciatingly vivid memory of holding in my arms the frail shell of a man who was once my superman. As he fought through every shallow gasp, his weak body grew heavier in my arms. I held him close not wanting to ever let him go. As I kissed his cheek for the last time, a single tear slipped from his tired eye and slid down his gaunt face where it came to rest on my lips, in that moment I knew my dad would never be coming home again. That cold harsh reality permeated to my very core it was as though it were ice coursing through my veins.

But there is one moment that I am dreading so deeply, that I may actually do everything in my power to completely avoid because I know this moment has the potential to completely destroy me. This is that moment after I do something that I know would have made him proud. But this time when I turn around to look for him he won't be there. I won't see his face, I won't see that smile that could have lit up the Coliseum, I can't look into those baby blue eyes that once were able to invoke pride within myself with just a look. I won't be able to feel the overwhelming love I always felt in his embrace, and I won't ever again be able to hear his voice as he speaks the words that almost hold as much significance to me coming from him as I love you...

"I'm PROUD of you".

The worst part is knowing that every single day of the rest of my life will be made up of "those little fucking moments", and that every single day at some point I will once again find myself standing in my driveway in the cold November rain, holding my superman in my arms while red and white flashing lights dance around us, my lips lightly pressed to his cheek, as sound of a running ambulance muffles the most difficult words to ever cross my lips which were moist from a single tear he shed...

"Goodbye daddy, I will always love you, I'm so PROUD you were my dad".

I’ve been having an affair with a lady

Most can’t understand

But nothing in this world

Makes me feel the way she can

Since the first time that I held her

I knew she was the one

Never questioning or judging

Despite the things I have done

In the weeks before I met her

I cried a million tears

She made life seem eurphoic

Sweet reprieve from my nightmares

She's been my dirty little secret

For about a year

But secrets lead to lies

Creating a love that's insincere

When she's left me lonely

I can't get out of bed

And the diabolical voices

Begin screaming madness in my head

I’ve kept our love a secret

As it is a mortal sin

Faith and hope escaped

Replaced by darkness deep within

Inflicting torture so obscene

Left on the brink of insanity

Filled with anger, rage, and hate

Am I headed for my death

Or some other deserving fate

I do love Tina....

Most days of the week

But with every flick of my Bic

A divorce is what I truly seek

Tina’s far from beautiful

Nothing but a dirty little whore

But the second she’s gone

I’d kill for just a tiny bit more

What I’ve learned about Tina

She comes with one guarantee

For her to leave someone must die

And that someone won’t be me

I refuse to let her kill me

Even though I’m not afraid of death

I always call her Tina

But her name is really Crystal...

Today there was this moment, a moment in which every fiber of my being seemed to have been hit with an intense electric shock. I could no longer move, my breath caught high in my throat, my stomach in knots, and my heart was overwhelmed by this peculiar feeling of what I can only describe as an over abundance of energy that desperately needed to be released. This moment happened when I realized that I didn’t just say goodbye to my father for what I thought would be the last time while standing in the cold November rain, with red and white flashing lights dancing around us, as the most difficult words that will ever cross my lips were muffled by the sound of a running ambulance. I have had to say goodbye to him in some way, every single little moment since then as well, and every time I do, a piece of me dies. The worst part is that those “moments” seem to be endless. It’s not just the obvious moments like holidays and big events. There are so many others, that are just as, if not more challenging to struggle through, in the darkness of the shadow cast by the immense cloud of despair: that is grief. Every single one of those moments, immediately transports my shattered soul back that “The Moment”, the moment of all moments, the moment that has forced all these other moments to become “those little moments”. It was the moment I spoke those soul shattering words, just as they caught the cool November air and were carried from my lips, I choked on the stagnancy of despair that enveloped my soul, the silence was deafening, and I was left blinded by the darkness.

The first time I heard the word Cancer after losing my father it caused a sadness within me that invoked such an intense feeling of despair it brought me to my knees in anguish and filled me with a hopelessness that seemed almost impossible to shake. Or the first time I called my mother and heard my fathers voice tell me; I’m sorry we’re not able to come to the phone right now...” . I could almost feel my hope and faith attempting to escape me as I’m overwhelmed by an excruciatingly vivid memory of holding in my arms the frail shell of a man who was once my superman. As he faught through every shallow gasp, his weak body grew heavier in my arms. I held him close not wanting to ever let him go. As I kissed his cheek for the last time, a single tear slipped from his tired eye and slid down his gaunt face where it came to rest on my lips, in that moment I knew my dad would never be coming home again. That cold harsh reality permeated to my very core it was as though it were ice coursing through my veins.

But there is one moment that I am dreading so deeply, that I may actually do everything in my power to completely avoid because I know this moment has the potential to completely destroy me. This is that moment after I do something that I know would have made him proud. But this time when I turn around to look for him he won’t be there. I won’t see his face, I won’t see that smile that could have lit up the Coliseum, I can’t look into those baby blue eyes that once were able to invoke pride within myself with just a look. I won’t be able to feel the overwhelming love I always felt in his embrace, and I won’t ever again be able to hear his voice as he speaks the words that almost hold as much significance to me coming from him as I love you...

“I’m PROUD of you”.

The worst part is knowing that every single day of the rest of my life will be made up of “those little fucking moments”, and that every single day at some point I will once again find myself standing in my driveway in the cold November rain, holding my superman in my arms while red and white flashing lights dance around us, my lips lightly pressed to his cheek, as sound of a running ambulance muffles the most difficult words to ever cross my lips which were moist from a single tear he shed...

“Goodbye daddy, I will always love you, I’m so PROUD you were my dad”.

All I need in this world to survive and thrive instead of merely exist is someone who will love me. Someone who truly cares about me. They say first you must love your self before you can love someone else.  That’s bull shit, you aren’t born loving yourself, you aren’t born with a sense of self confidence or self worth. They are learned attributes. When we are very young, we are taught our worth and our value from the people around us, in what we’re told, how we’re spoken to, how we are treated.  All of our self perception derives from that. This is a true yet disturbing thought,  the entire foundation that we build 100% of our existances self perception on is nothing but a mimicry of someone else’s opinion of our worth. As humans how are we suppose to learn how to do anything if at first we are not shown how. If no one has ever shown you love, you’ll never know how to love yourself because no one has ever shown you that you’re worth being loved.

Death…

It rolls off my tongue

I dont fear it

I long for it

Hell would be my heaven

I welcome the darkness

I pray for the silence

The sweet reprieve of nothingness

Living is my Hell

My own personal Hell

Created by my past

Consuming me with loathing and disdain

For myself

For my life

My last breath

It will be a sigh of relief

Death will end my suffering

It’s the only way to survive my life

I have a relationship with a lady

that you won’t understand

Nothing in this world

Makes me feel the way she can

Since the first time I met her

I knew she was the one

Never questioning or judging me

Despite the things I’ve done

She doesn’t care that I’m ugly

Or that I use to be so fat

Infact,

She’s been incredible helpful with that

No matter what I’m going through

I know she’s always there

Like two peas in a pod

At first we made the perfect pair

She made me feel invincible

Now she attacks with psychological warfare

She fills my head with lies

But use to make my problems disappear

When she leaves me lonely

She makes me wish for death

She fills me with diabolical voices

Who scream madness in my head

But like I said before

And repeat but once again

No one understands unless they have seen

The hell that I’ve been in

And through torture so obscene

On the brink of insanity

Filled with anger, rage, and hate

Headed straight to my death

Or maybe a prison inmate.

But be that as it may

I love Tina most days of the week

But with every flick of my Bic

A divorce is what I truly seek

Tina’s far from beautiful

She’s nothing but a dirty little whore

But the second that she’s gone

I’d almost kill for just a tiny bit more

The thing you don’t know about Tina

She comes with one guarantee

For her to leave someone must die

And that someone will not be me

I refuse to keep choking on her lies

Even though I'm not afraid of death

The truth is that her name isn’t really Tina

Her name is Crystal