Start in the middle. It’s where we all begin - end.

Where there once was no you to ask the old - new.

The beginning of the end; it’s a place to mend - rend.

To attempt an answer in words; blank - drawn.

Who ever you are again; you aren’t now - then.

Doesn’t matter honestly; yesterdays - tomorrows.

Both are steady sources of time; both lost - borrowed.

The middle again is only where to begin - end.

Right now, this moment, is the middle; beginning’s - end.

Focus on the present its the starting place; end - began.

Image:

Changing of the Seasons by Sabinerich on DeviantArt

DeviantArt

The water’s rising quickly, but don’t worry.

I’ve saved you a spot at the bottom, love.

So, hold your mouth on mine one last time.

I want to steal that final breath from your lips.

Your trembling and gasping is beautiful, love.

I want to feel my hands close around your throat as I help the waves put you to sleep.

I want one last chance to run my fingers through your hair as the current swallows you whole.

Don’t worry, love.

I’ve saved you a lovely, cold bed right at the bottom to say good night.

I’ve saved you the tide to tuck you in.

John woke up the next morning. He went through the motions of eating breakfast and taking a shower and getting dressed as if he had someplace to go. He went outside and with a thought he adjusted the temperature of his enclosure and the brightness of its lights. When he was satisfied that everything was to his liking, he took a walk.

He walked down the street with the rows of houses that nobody lived in. He wanted a change of scenery. He was starting to get pretty good at causing things to change and what he thought about was a park where he went hiking once as a kid. The scene changed and he found himself on a dirt path. There were trees all around and he could hear the sound of wildlife. He started following the path. The smells were just like he remembered them as well. He was amazed at how advanced the technology must be to provide him with such a realistic environment.

After walking a few more steps he realized he wasn’t alone. He wasn’t sure when it actually happened, but the woman he had spoken to first appeared to him again. She was walking beside him but she didn’t say anything.

“Could you show me where I am? “ John asked. “I mean where I am in space. Your father said I wouldn’t believe it if he told me but I want to see it. Please?” The woman still didn’t speak but the scene changed again. John was standing on a lifeless rock. A large planet was nearby. It was a mix of blue and green in color and John couldn’t stop staring at it.

“Is that where you live?” John asked again. The woman nodded but still didn’t say anything. “And I am alone inside some sort of structure on this asteroid?” The woman did not respond. John looked in amazement at what he was looking at. He had no idea where Earth was. He had no idea where in space he was himself. He could see that there was no way he would be leaving this place alive.

“Could you show me where you live?” John asked. The scene changed once more and he was inside some sort of living quarters. There was something that resembled a bed and something that kind of resembled storage, but John wasn’t really sure. He saw something that looked like it was alive hooked into something that looked like it could be a machine. John had a hard time processing the things that he saw.

“Is that you?” John asked, pointing to the living thing. The woman nodded.

John thought about the house that he first woke up in and he was there. The woman was there as well. “I had a wife and two children back on Earth.” John finally said, “I miss them very much and I’m never going to see them again.” John sat down and starting crying.

The woman wasn’t sure what to do. “Please don’t cry.” She pleaded. “I’m sorry that you will never see them again and I’m sorry for making you cry.”

“I know that you didn’t mean to, sometimes the things we do cause other things to happen that we didn’t think about.” John and the woman sat there for a long time without saying anything more.

It’s been seeping in, silently creeping

Got me geeking while it violently seeks

Got me sippen; rippen weed for peace

Bleeding internally, mortally functioning

Hope I never say ‘Fuck it’ I wanna live

If I kick the bucket at my own head

Know I tried my best

This rain is sleet, my pain the beat

Of my heart, carved some scars

Life did the rest, bullies me dead

Thank a phoenix I resurrect

Flap my wings till the ashes spark my Bic

Hope I never say ‘Fuck it’ I wanna live

Dopamine repression

Slow crawl forward

Lightening regression

Nothing scares me more

Than this living, god don’t get me

Devil left me on the floor

With these thorough words

To describe my pain, this depression

Is my curse and my sword

God I’m lost, a toss up between

A good man and a broken mess

Look free, my prisons invisible

Jumped on a crazy train one summer

Been trying to catch a buzz from my youth

This depression is a bummer

Slowly killing me to tell the truth

Always been a runner, gunner

Fuck it, just because bridge burner

Slow learner, unconcerned with tomorrow

These days it’s a fuck I’ve gotta give

Before I slip under

Throw a rope my way I wanna live

Dopamine repression

Slow crawl forward

Lightening regression

Nothing scares me more

Than this living, god don’t get me

Devil left me on the floor

With these thorough words

To describe my pain, this depression

Is my curse and my sword

Swear I’m gonna fight

Fear has been my pilot

Far too long, crash that flight

Healing can be violent

I get by, I stay high

Turns the chatter back to silence

Do or die there is no try

Fuck Jedi, from the darker side

Gotta get a grip, flip the script

Hope I never kick the bucket at my own head

I wanna live

Dopamine repression

Slow crawl forward

Lightening regression

Nothing scares me more

Than this living, god don’t get me

Devil left me on the floor

With these thorough words

To describe my pain, this depression

Is my curse and my sword

If I’d known

that it was going to come to a goodbye

I would’ve held my gaze longer

I would’ve tried to hold on a bit more

before letting go

I would’ve taken my heart back

before its too late

And if

You’d known this before

Would you still go?

Who am I?

Good question,

There isn't a clear answer.

Ask my friends,

Ask anyone who knows me,

Ask me.

You will receive different answers.

Some may say I'm smart,

Others think I'm sweet,

They might think of me as,

Trustworthy, kind, and,

A million other descriptions.

But I see myself,

As dedicated,

Hardworking,

Loyal to those,

Who are to me.

I think of my self,

As a person,

Trying to be kind,

Tolerating,

Understanding,

And the best I can be.

But there is no answer,

To who I am.

I am myself,

And nobody else.

Who are you?

Anyone with a giving persona, and a desire to help others, attracts narcissists. You give, they take. It’s a match made in heaven  hell. It‘s at times confusing & dynamic.One of the keys to sanity is understanding that, when it comes to narcissistic love it is a completely different place/situation. Not only was this affecting the person that was in the relationship but, everyone else around that person was being dragged into this tragedy that we so call LOVE or atleast one of the types . You know that type of love that when you truly love someone, whether it’s a person, or even a pet, you can get really angry at them, yet despite the anger, you still feel love for them? That’s healthy unconditional love. It’s not something narcissists are familiar with. A father , a mother, a daughter and even a son could experience this . In this case the father was the narcissistic person while the mother and the children suffered from the naurcissistic love. The mother that was willing to do anything to protect her relationship with the father and her children. Being the oldest daughter getting to visually experience violent scenes, made me feel weak . It made me feel like I could actually feel the pain that was being passed through my mother and on to me . By looking into her eyes, being around her, holding her tight. She was that mother that would cut her veins open just to save her kids . The type that would jump off a bridge for you. She was a kind hearted bitch . The reason I say bitch, is because the anger I had for my father after he violently abused my mom was unconditionally hard to describe. Which made me hate my mother for accepting and going through all that she had gone through, just because of a stupid narcisstic person. A selfish, fake loving, useless, needy, cocky person !! I wanted to knock the fuck out of my father while he was pushing my mother onto the ground. While at the same time I wanted to hate my mother for accepting all of this non-sense in her life for years. But I couldn’t. I wouldn’t . I can’t hate her . I love this kind hearted bitch. As I sat back and lit up all of the letters on fire that I had recieved from him. I had no regrets. Narcissists decides to take advantag of my father this makes him do things even when expectations are not fulfilled, the scene can be a lot like someone swearing at their computer for crashing. It’s not a love based on any core connection, it’s a love based on functionality. The ability to see other people at a deeper level, requires the ability to see ourselves at a deeper level. He didn‘t see him self at a deeper level. Both blinded by this so called narcissistic love. A horrifying prisoned type of love. Insanity in my pulses still pump as my heart races fast and i remember the blood that dripped down your forehead. I close my eyes, blink three times and it’s still not a damn dream . March 30, 2012 Will always be remembered as an unforgettable presence of my fulffiling spirits screaming for independence and self-love. Fuck narcissistic love.

Since Kindergarten, I had known Nora. We spent grade school in virutally the same classroom together each day up until we were in fifth grade. Come middle school, our classes were together most of the time, but not always. Since her last name and my last name both began with a V, typically I sat behind her, considering her last name was Vance and mind was Vickerson. All the while, we never really connected. Other than passing our homework to each other in class, we didn't talk at all.

Why would she want to talk to me? I was this art geek, obsessed with my water colors and sketching. I often kept my earbuds in to drown out the world around me so that I could enjoy being an introvert and so that I could focus on my projects. Nora, on the other hand was on the volleyball and track team. She ran around with the "A" crowd. Outside of my friend, Henry, I was a loner. I'd always just kept to myself as far back as I could remember. If I kept my nose out of everyone's business I was less likely to get bullied or picked on.

In April, that all changed. I had been zoned out after school working on a project for the upcoming student art show, and had lost track of time. Before I knew it, it was after four thirty, and I needed to get home to make sure Hugo, my old retriever, was let outside. Considering my dad didn't get home at a decent time each day from work, it was my responsibility to make sure he went out before he had an accident inside the house.

It was pouring down rain, and throwing my hood up over my head, I darted outside the doors towards the student lot to start my ten year old Ford I had purchased from a private seller. With my allowance my father had given me for taking care of the house, mowing the lawn, and doing virtually all of our grocery shopping, I was able to save up some money for an okay car over the last summer. I'd also been mowing neighboring lawns for cash most of the summer. I was rather proud of it, regardless of the dent in the back right bumper.

When I had left the building, I had glanced over and realized Nora was standing at the doorway looking down at her cell phone. I had registered that she had been crying judging by the reddness in and around her dark brown eyes. For what reason, I didn't know. But, I had chosen to mind my own business and head on towards my car.

After climbing into the car, starting it, and clearing the windshield of the droplets of water, I situated myself in my seat, pulled on my safety belt, and plugged my cell phone into the radio. After pulling up my playlist, I put the car in drive, and headed down to the main pathway of the student parking lot.

Approaching the driveway, I saw Nora was sitting inside the doorway of the school, her head down inside her hands. I could tell she was sobbing.

I could have driven on home. After all, Hugo needed let outside. Big question was, would have have gone out in this mess? I squeezed my steering wheel, and suddenly moved my right foot over towads the left, and pressed on the break. After putting the car in park, I hopped out of the car, and left it running on the main path. If someone were to come down, there was plenty of room to get around me. I wouldn't be too long.

Holding my breath, I pulled the door open, and I knew I startled her, because her head bolted back up, and she was trying to hide her tears by stroking them away. She wouldn't make eye contract with me. I assumed she thought I was going to walk back inside, probably assuming I'd forgotten something in my locker or something, but that was not the case.

"Nora," I said to her gently. She glanced up at me, but looked away quickly. I heard her sniffle. "Is there anything I can do?"

Without looking up and me, she shook her head. I could tell she was dazing off towards an object outside in the parking lot. She gave a weak smile.

"No, Ethan, but thank you."

I shffled on my feet a little bit, but sighed.

"Are you sure?" I asked. "Can I give you a ride home at least?"

I could tell this got her attention. Suddenly, she actually made eye contact with me, and sighed. "If you wouldn't mind."

"I don't," I replied gently. I took a step towards her as she began to gather up her belongings and shove them into her back pack. I reached my hand down towards her to help her up. I could see her eyes looking up at me, maybe surprised by my gesture. But, she took my hand, and allowed me to help her up to her feet.

Before we walked back outside, I put my hand out towards her. "May I take your bag? I'll put it into the back seat."

I watched her pull her long, dark hair over her a shoulder, and I could tell she was digesting my words. Shrugging it off of her body, I reached for it and pulled it over my shoulder.

"Ready?" I asked her. She nodded, and I pushed the door open and held it for her as she rushed out into the rain. I opened the passenger door for her so that she could climb inside. Once she was in, I shut the door, and then sat her back pack in the back seat behind her. After rushing around the back of my car, I jumped into the driver's side door, and took a seat beside her. Instantly, I was turning the heat on for us so that we could get warm after being soaked in the rain.

As I put the car into drive, I glanced over at her. She seemed to have pushed herself closer to her door, leaning her head against it and staring out at the rain. I could see another tear roll down her cheek.

"Where can I take you?" I asked her gently.

"Do you know where Brewer Heights is?" she asked me quietly, not making contact.

"I do," I said. "Am I dropping you off at home?"

After receiving a nod in response, I put the gas pedal down and headed towards the western part of town towards what I assumed was her house.

"I hope I am not causing you to be late for anything," she said a moment later. I had just slowed down to a stop at a sign, and was in the process of making sure I could turn left.

"Not at all," I said gently to her. "Glad I could give you a lift."

As I looked around to make sure it was safe to turn, I heard her say, "Jackson broke up with me."

Oh, yes. Jackson-or Jackass, is how I referred him. He was not only the guy in school witht he most muscle, but he was also, in my eyes, the biggest bully there was. I couldn't tell you how many times he picked fights with other classmates. Whether it was purposely tripping them in the hallways as they walked by, or even keying someone's car. If he could find a way to get under your skin, he would. I had successfully avoided him up until this point. Luckily, since he was a senior, provided he was going to graduate, I wouldn't have to look at him anymore after school was over.

"So that's why you are upset," I said gently.

"I'm honestly more embarrassed than anything," she admitted.

"I'm sorry," I said to her, stopping at a stop light.

"He made me feel special," she sighed, and I could see her wipe another set of tears from her eyes with the back of her hand.

I nodded, listening to her as she spoke. Perhaps she just needed to let someone hear her voice and talk out her troubles. If that was what I was supposed to do to help her, I would. I just didn't want her stuck at the school. I knew Jackson was her ride home typically. I often had watched him lift her up into his F350. Considering she was just over five feet tall, and the truck didn't have a bar for her to step on, she needed some assistance getting into it.

"He's not such a horrible guy," she said with a sigh. "Often times just a little-"

"Jackson is a jackass," I said to her. "No girl deserves to be with someone like him."

"Why would you say that?" she asked me.

She barely knew me. We'd never so much had a conversation in school like the one we were having. We were two completely different people.

"That came out a little too passionate," I said to her. "I'm sorry. Usually I do a better job at holding my emotions and personal thoughts in."

"You were being honest," she said to me gently. "He's a hard one to understand-"

"Is that why you dated him?" I asked her.

Through a sniffle, she laughed. "No. I honestly don't know why I dated him. But, rejection still hurts none the less."

"Why did he break up with you?" I asked her, turning left.

"I think he's been talking to Lyla Burris," she said gently. "But, I can't prove that. And, right now, I shouldn't care. Once he goes off to college, we wouldn't see each other anymore. I just wasn't expecting it like this." She sighed. "He broke up with me through a text message. And before I could talk to him he left. And, my parents are both out of town. He has been my ride. And, I missed the bus."

"Well, lucky for you, I came along," I said gently. I gave her a weak smile, waiting to see what her response would be.

"And I thank you," she said to me.

I turned right, and headed up the large hill into the housing addition she lived in. "So, where do I need to drive to up here?"

"Uhhh-left," she said to me, steering me down towards Juniper Lane.

"How long were you and Jacka-I mean, Jackson together?"

"About four months," Nora said to me. "Prom is in a few weeks, and now I have to figure out what I am going to do about that either."

I nodded. "Did you care about him?"

"Did I love him?" Nora asked suddenly.

"I didn't ask that," I said to her defensively.

She laughed. "Ethan, I don't exactly know what love is. At least, not that kind of love. I liked being with him, but I am not sure if I actually loved him."

I nodded.

"My house is the brown one right on the corner," she said, pointing towards the right.

After pulling to the front of the house, I put the car in park, and sighed. Leaning over my wheel, I glanced at her. Her eyes looked a little less puffy, and she gave me a weak smile.

"Thank you again," she said to me. "I appreciate your kindness."

"More than welcome," I said to her. "Now, let me get your back pack and I will help you to the front door."

"Ethan, that isn't necessary," she said to me.

"Just because Jackson didn't carry your bag in for you doesn't mean I won't," I said. "I'll drop you off at the door."

"Wait," she said quickly, grabbing my shoulder before I could get out of the car. "Why are you being so kind?"

I sighed. "I'm not going to just drop you off in the rain. I'm not a jerk like that."

Nora sighed. "You aren't like the other guys we go to school with."

"You are probably right," I said with a sigh. "I didn't have a mom growing up, but my father taught me to always hold the door open for a woman, and respect. So, get ready, I'll grab you bag."

I made sure to open the car door for her to let her out of the car, and I rushed behind her as she led the way to her front door. I saw her fumbling with her door keys, and she unlocked the front door to let herself inside.

After she had the door unlocked, I leaned into the front door, and sat the back pack

directly inside the doorway and to right.

"Thank you," she said again, giving me a smile.

"See you in class tomorrow," I said to her. "If you need anything-I'm sure you can find me on social media."

She nodded. "Be safe going home, Ethan."

"I will. Take care of your heart, okay?"

She nodded. "I will try."

I looked at my best friend and smiled, "Bye! I'll see you tomorrow!" I gave her a hug and waved before I hopped into my own car. We pulled out and started the journey home. It was weirdly silent since my sisters both had other places to be. My brother and I tended to the quietest two of the bunch anyway.

"So, how was school? How did you do on that math test you had?" my mother asked.

"School was alright. I got an eighty on the math test though and it dropped my grade like five percent."

"Wow, well an eighty isn't bad though." Yes, it is. You practicially failed and now your grade is lower than a 95%. You are going to do horrible on the next test and then you won't have an A anymore. It took you forever to get your grade up last time.

"Yeah," I didn't really know what to say.

The rest of the ride was done in silence. And almost as soon as we pulled up I got out of the car and headed inside. I dropped everything off and sat on my bed. Glad to be free from that suffocating car. Though I spoke too soon.

You know you did absolutely horrible on that last test. What happened to being the perfect child, huh? Can you do anything right? If you aren't perfect then your parents aren't going to want to deal with you anymore. They already have your other siblings that they have to help out.

But, (friend's name) got a score lower than me and she is fine. Her grade is lower than mine and it's not that big of a deal.

Oh, but that's different. You are better than this. Why can't you just be good enough. It was probably one of the easiest concepts ever. Gosh, you are so pathetic.

I sighed out loud. Glad that I was in my room and that no one could see me right now. You are right, I told the voice.

Glad we got that settled, now lets move onto the rest of the issues. Why are you so fat. Is it really that hard to not eat? I thought that I told you to skip at least one meal a day and then we could increase it from there. Why didn't you listen. You know that I only want what's best for you.

But I weigh less than 100 pounds. How can I be fat when (friend's name) weighs more and she isn't fat at all. And I was really trying hard to skip more meals but my dad was catching on and wouldn't leave me alone. I only got away with it for three nights because I went to bed before my dad got home and my mom doesn't notice.

You know that's different. (friend's name) is fine as she is and is beautiful. Don't you want to be beautiful? Have you seen that chunk of fat on your stomach, and your huge thighs. Do you exercise at all? Goodness, its no wonder than no boy will ever see you as anything more than a brain.

Okay, I get it. I'm fat and ugly. I will try harder to bypass my dad next time.

Good. Now, onto the next thing. Do you remember that comment you said earlier? To your "friend". Well, that was actually so rude. And you probably offended them. They said it was fine but it really wasn't. They hate you now.

But, I really wasn't trying to be mean. I was just tired and my tone came out harsh. They don't hate me, they couldn't. They wouldn't lie. Would they?

Of course they would lie! They don't care about you. No one does. They just pity the poor quiet girl who is so fat and ugly. Don't you ever listen to what I tell you. No one will ever love you. You are just a mistake. No one cares. Why don't you just disappear, go kill yourself or something. You are just a burden and it would be better if you just died.

I know. I know. I know. I know, OKAY. I wish I could just kill myself. I am too much of a coward. I can't even hurt myself properly, OKAY. I understand. I get it. No one loves me and no one ever will. I am just a mistake, who would ever love a mistake. I need to be perfect and beautiful and then someone will love me. But no one else has to be perfect because no one is perfect. But I still need to be. That's the way things are. WHY CAN'T ANYONE LOVE ME! WHY AM I SUCH A MISTAKE! I HATE MYSELF! I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH! WHY DOES EVERYONE BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY I AM FINE! I HATE MYSELF! I yell to the voice in my head. As, I quietly sob to myself, making sure that I am not loud enough to be overheard.

Good, good. You are starting to get it. But did you really have to yell at me. I am only doing what is best for you. Now, what are you going to do to be closer to being perfect?

I know! I will skip two meals tomorrow. I'm sorry, I was so rude. I will be better tomorrow. I'll tell them sorry again tomorrow. Oooohh! I will also make sure to retake the test tomorrow so that I can get a better score.

Perfect, you are getting the hang of this. Soon you won't need me anymore to give you advice. You will just be able to know what to do to make everything right. Maybe we can evne get you to draw some red lines before I leave.

Yes, of course. Wouldn't that be so great! Thank you, you have helped me so much.