kissing.

making out. 

sex.

it’s what is expected in a relationship. 

but what if i don’t want that?

what if i’m ok with 

just being around you,

with you?

i know that that’s how

some people show love,

but can't i just

love you in my own way?

but you wouldn’t be happy with that,

would you?

you want something that i don’t want.

you want something that i cannot give you. 

a freak.

not normal.

unloveable.

you think that’s what am i, don’t you?

i agree;

i am all of that.

and i couldn’t hate myself  

more for that.

i don’t want to be like this.

i want to give you want you want,

i want to love you the way you want me to,

but i can’t.

i’m sorry. 

if i could rid the world of all mirrors and reflective surfaces,

i would.

i don’t want to look at myself

i hate looking at myself

i hate who i am. 

my reflection points out all the things

i hate about myself

even the things

that aren’t visible to the human eye.

i’m trying

to love 

what i see

but why is it so damn hard?

a girl.

a failure.

a freak.

my reflection shows all of that. 

i’m tired.

i’m tired of smiling at myself

trying to pretend i’m ok.

i’m so tired.

i’m tired of crying in front of the mirror

wishing i was better,

wishing i were someone else,

but there’s nothing i can do about it. 

i used to be such a happy girl

with a smile brighter than the sun.

whatever happened

to that girl?

i hate looking at myself.

i hate what i see in the mirror.

i hate who i am.

i hate being me.

so instead of letting my tears fall

and giving the mirror

a front-row seat

to my misery,

i’ll just let the shards fall to my feet

and blood trail down my fists.

lately, 

i’ve been having these weird dreams.

dreams that would pick up where i left off on the last night,

continuing the dream.

it started with me at school,

sitting in the back of the class, 

staring out the window,

bored out of my mind.

nothing happens for a good 5 minutes,

then,

she comes in

and takes my breath away.

shyly tucking her hair behind her ear,

she introduces herself,

and as she does,

we meet eyes.

i can feel my heart racing 

as i watch her glossy lips part after each word.

i wonder,

do they taste as good as they look?

once she’s done,

our eyes encounter each other once more, 

and she looks way nervously,

her cheeks tinted with a cotton-candy-like pink. 

i look away too,

not wanting to get my hopes up.

a girl liking another girl?

that might as well be treason. 

she takes a seat next to me,

tucking her long hair behind her ear once more.

i watch her take out her school supplies in the window reflection.

i should stop looking at her before something bad happens.

in the middle of class,

the girl drops her eraser.

it dances its way towards me 

and halts right next to my foot.

i pick it up and give it back to her,

and as i did,

i got a better look at her.

she’s even prettier up close. 

no,

pretty was an understatement.

she was more than that,

she was the definition of ethereal. 

brown eyes that emulated the warm and cozy feeling of autumn,

fair skin that looked smoother than butter,

and a smile brighter than a thousand suns. 

her beauty was too much for me that i have to look away.

our fingers grazed each other as i handed the girl her eraser back.

such a small amount of contact 

and yet it made me want to feel her touch once more.

i held back the urge to grab her hand and interlace our fingers.

she smiled once more at me,

and quietly whispered,

“thank you,”

to me.

my heart skipped a beat.

god, even her voice was heavenly. 

i nodded awkwardly and turned around as quickly as possible.

i saw her giggle at me in the window reflection. 

during class,

i kept sneaking glances at her in the window reflection,

allowing me to stare at her for as long and as much as i wanted. 

i wonder if she ever snuck glances at me too. 

that was the first dream. 

i felt a shiver down my spine when i woke up.

i got a bad feeling about it,

but decided to ignore it since it didn’t seem too important.

the next night,

i was in school again in the same spot.

i looked over at the seat next to me.

empty. 

it was empty for half the day.

i know that i barely knew her,

but i couldn’t help but feel upset about not seeing her.

it ruined my day.

.

.

.

oh no. 

i fell for her,

didn’t i? 

no. 

no, 

this can’t be happening. 

no! 

suddenly, 

the door flew open.

and there she was,

standing at the doorway of our classroom.

she explained the reason for her absence and sat down.

i watched her once more in the window.

she noticed me staring at her,

and i immediately looked away.

i rested my head on the desk and buried my face in my arms.

i heard a soft giggle.

i peeked at the window reflection, 

and i got to see her enchanting smile once more. 

i felt my face go hot as i listened to her harmonious laugh.

it was just as captivating as the rest of her. 

i wanted to capture her laugh and seal it up in a jar so that i could keep it to myself. 

maybe i could at least capture her perfection on paper.

instead of paying attention, 

i stared at her in the window reflection,

sketching her physique out on a piece of paper.

how could someone be so painfully beautiful?

“what are you drawing?’

a soft voice spoke.

i looked over my shoulder,

and it was her.

.

.

.

crap. 

i immediately covered up the sketch with my hands, 

risking the chance of crumpling it up.

“nothing,”

i responded in a rush. 

she laughed once more,

and i felt my face flush red. 

“i don’t know what you were drawing,

but it looked quite beautiful.”

i blushed and quietly thanked her. 

she asked for my name, 

so i told her it.

what she said next certainly surprised me. 

however,

i had to find out the next night,

so i patiently awaited for the time that i could return to my dream,

to her.

“a beautiful name for a beautiful person.”

she said with a soft smile as she tucked her hair behind her ear again.

i looked away and at the ground, 

not wanting her to see my red-tinted face. 

we began to talk some more,

and we slowly became friends.

the closer i was to her,

the more i wanted to feel her touch against mine.

these dreams went on for 2 months, 

and they were the best 2 months of my life.

but sadly,

nothing lasts forever. 

one night,

the dreams went away.

i had a different dream,

and she wasn’t in it.

i couldn’t see her anymore. 

i tried for days to see if i could be with her once more,

but nothing worked.

i wasn’t going to be able to see her anymore. 

she was gone,

and my heart broke.

she may have just been a girl in my dreams,

but she was the girl of my dreams.

i tried to forget about her,

to move on with my life,

but to fall so in love with someone then have to forget them in an instant,

why, it was everything but possible. 

i went to school the next few days in a dejected mood.

i tried to sleep every chance i got,

hoping that i would get to see her again,

but it was hopeless.

just like any other monday morning,

the whole class was tired, dreading the classes that followed this one.

however,

it wasn’t just like any other morning.

that morning,

we had a new student.

when i heard the news, 

things began to feel oddly familiar. 

a girl walked in,

and our eyes met.

it was her,

it was dream girl.

and now,

i was standing with dream girl at the altar,

saying “i do,”

and marrying the girl of my dreams. 

“I’ll love you for all of eternity!”

But we didn’t have eternity. We had a year. 

If time is one of the most valuable things to ever exist, then why is it so easy to lose?

I never really realized how much we take time for granted; that is, until the hourglass of life was coming to an end. More specifically, your hourglass of life. 

.

.

.

“You have one year at best.” 

One year. Only one year, at best. Once a year goes by, you’ll go along with it. You’ll be gone, you won’t be here anymore, you’ll be dead; you’ll leave my side. 

I was terrified, I was scared; but above all, I was angry. How? Why? How could you let someone as amazing as you only be given a year left? Why would you ever let someone as wonderful as you only have a year left of your life? I was furious. 

But was I really? Was I just using anger to hide the pain I was feeling? I certainly didn’t know. But what I did know is that you weren’t feeling the same things I was. No, in fact, you were smiling. 

“Don’t worry! I’ll be fine!”

But how could you ever know that? That’s right, you don’t. Because in the end, you won’t be fine; you’ll be dead. 

But behind that smile, I knew that you were just as terrified as I was. You were just trying to be the strong one. How pathetic of me. I should be the one smiling through the pain, not you. I wasn’t the one with a time limit, you were. But I couldn’t bring myself to smile at a time like that; for all that was in my mind, was a life without you. 

.

.

.

We tried our best to make the most of the year. It wasn’t easy. After all, the thought of you suddenly disappearing from my life was always in the back of my head, taunting me each and every passing second. But once I saw your smile, it filled me with hope, a hope that made me believe that things really will be fine. 

With your remaining days, we spent the days living on the edge without a care in the world. From skydiving to flying halfway across the world, we tried our best to fill our days with sunshine and smiles; keyword, tried. 

If there were ups, there were obviously going to be downs. There were times where you’d randomly collapse and give me a heart attack, there were times where I cried myself to sleep in fear that one day, I’ll wake up without you by my side, there were times where we both cried. We were scared, but who could blame us? We were going to lose each other.

.

.

.

And lose each other did we. The year went by with a blink of the eye, and before I knew it, I was standing before your grave with flowers in my hand and tears trailing down my face. How? How did everything end so quickly? I still had so much more I wanted to do with you, to tell you; but unfortunately for us, the universe was against us. Maybe it was telling us that we weren’t meant to be, that we weren’t right for each other. But if so, the universe can go to hell because I was willing to sacrifice the world for you. 

.

.

.

But that’ll never happen,

because before our very eyes, 

eternity had ended.

Title- “Girl Crush” by Little Big Town

PSA:

This was back when I was still identified as cisgender. I’m non-binary and use they/them pronouns. However, for this, I will be referring to myself as my assigned gender at birth. Please do not refer to me as a girl. I only allow masculine nicknames/slang (dude, bro, king, etc.) to used on me. Thank you, have fun :)

I never thought about women that way. Wanting to hold their hands, kiss them, feel their touch against mine; it just never appealed to me. But that was only because I didn’t know it was possible. I didn’t know you could be with the same gender as yourself, nobody told me about it. I didn’t see anything about it on T.V, I wasn’t taught about it, I didn’t know anything about it; until I did. I asked a friend what being gay meant when I was. She told me that was when you date the same gender as yourself. At first, I was confused. Like I said before, I didn’t know about it. But the more I thought about it, the less I cared. Whoever you date and love is none of my business, so why should I care? Sadly, in this day and age, most people care, even when it doesn’t affect them at all. People can date, kiss, make love, marry, do whatever with anybody, I don’t care, as long as nobody is getting hurt; and I left it at that.

One day, I began to think if I was interested in the same gender as myself. I tried to imagine it. I didn’t hate it? I don’t know, it was confusing. I never had a crush on a girl, or even felt anything remotely romantic for a girl. I was boy-crazy and was already crushing hard on a guy (one that didn’t like me back, but he’s irrelevant). I thought some more, but I only got more confused. I didn’t particulary hate the idea of being with a girl, I just wasn’t sure if I like it since I’ve never been in love with one before. I decided to not dwell on the topic any longer. It wasn’t like I was planning on dating anytime soon (despite the fact that I had a crush on a guy). And just like before, I left it at that; that is, until I couldn’t.

It was late at night, and I was just scrolling through social media. It was the same old, same old; except it wasn’t. A picture of a friend popped up. She was in a short, navy blue dress with a sunflower tucked behind her ear. Her dirty blond hair was draped over her bare shoulders, her smile brighter than the sun. Freckles scattered around her cheeks, her eyes shined like diamonds, diamonds that I could gaze at for hours and never get bored of. My face began to heat up as my heart began to race. What was this feeling? I know this feeling, but why am I feeling it now? I was feeling love, but who was it for? Her? No, it couldn’t be...could it?

I fell in love with her. It was beautiful, new, and all around wonderful; but only for a split second. After that split second, everything was a hell.

I hated being in love with her, for I knew she wouldn’t ever feel the same. She was only interested in guys. Was I a guy? Nope, not in the slightest. I was a girl, not a guy. Still, did that stop me from being in love with her? Again, nope, not in the slightest. I couldn’t control it, but how I wish I could. I wanted to be hers, I wanted her to be mine. But it was never going to happen; and it shattered my heart.

The butterflies in my stomach only grew with each passing day, and as disturbing as it sounds, I wanted to rip off each and every one of their beautifully delicate wings and watch them die slowly with pain in my hands. It’s what they deserved. Crying myself to sleep, wishing she liked girls, wishing I didn’t like her. I made a lot of wishes, but none of them ever came true. It was painful. Why did it have to be so painful? As beautiful as love is, it’s also one of the cruelest things to ever exist. Sure, I was used to getting hurt from having crushes, but this was different. At least I had a chance (a slim one, but still a chance), but here, there was no chance to begin with. She would never see me the way I saw her, so I began to hate myself.

Why? Why me? Why did I have to be the one to fall in love with the same gender as myself? Why did I have to steal glances at her in class hoping that she would do the same with me? Why did I have to cry at night because she wasn’t mine? Why did I have to gush about how stunning she looked from every angle? Why did I have to wish for her to always be by my side? Why did I have to make up fake scenarios where she would actually be with me? Why? Why me?

Why did I have to be the freak that loved her?

did it feel good?

watching the ends of your lucious hair

fall to the ground with each snip and snap

as your tears stained the carpet with misery.

did it feel good?

did you feel like

you finally had control over your life?

pathetic. 

did it feel good?

watching your delicate skin scar

tracing it with the end of your sharp blade

as blood seeped out from the cut. 

did it feel good?

are you happy now that you’ve made

a permanent scar that will forever showcase

how weak you are. 

TRIGGER WARNING : DEATH AND IMPLIED SU!C!DE

maybe i couldn’t see it because it was dark out. maybe i couldn’t see it because i wasn’t expecting it. whatever the reason was, i wish i was paying better attention. i wish i saw it coming. i wish i wasn’t so mesmerized by your smile to see it coming; but above all, i wish i was able to protect you. 

BAM! 

everything happened in a flash, and yet it simultaneously felt like time had stopped. one minute i was walking in front of you, chatting as we crossed the road; and the next i was being pushed away, getting a front row seat to the accident. in that split second that i was being shoved, i saw your beautiful as ever smile, both pained and pleased. just before we were propelled into different directions, you mouthed the words ‘i love you’, and i could hear my heart shattering. i flew backwards while you flew to the right, landing right in the middle of the street. my head hit a lamppost, but that wasn’t what hurt most. i saw you laying on the ground, paralyzed and lifeless. i picked myself back up and ran over to you without a single regard of the life around me. people were shouting at me from all directions, asking if i was ok, if you were ok, but the only thing in my mind was you. there wasn’t anybody around but us. we were the only people on the earth. i lifted your blood-covered head onto my lap, caressing you ever so gently. i licked my thumb, then pressed it to the side of your forehead, attempting to wipe away the scarlet-red blood that was trailing down your face. but there was too much blood that i couldn’t wipe it all away. my chest burned. 

“hey! hey, you’re not dying on me!” i nervously laughed, trying to use humor to lighten up the situation. it was a foolish attempt, but i couldn’t help it. i’ve always used humor as a coping mechanism, and you’ve always hated it. maybe that’s why i laughed. i wanted you to get up and scold me about how inappropriate it was to be joking in serious situations. instead, all you did was open your eyes, but that itself was more than enough. i smiled grimly as i took my phone out. “hey! you’re awake! listen, it’s gonna be alright, i’m gonna call an ambulance, so don’t worry!” just as i was about to dial 911, i felt a light tap on my wrist. i looked down at your dying figure and found the unexpected. you smiled softly and sweetly at me as blood dripped out of the corner of your mouth. it always amazed me how you were always able to smile even in the worst of the worst, but this time, it shocked me more than amazed me. my chest burned. your eyes glimmered in the moonlight, and i could tell that you were slowly fading away, but i didn’t want to believe it. 

“it’s ok. there’s no need,” you told me as your smile somehow widened. “it’s gonna be ok.”

“wha-what are you talking about?” i’ve always loved how spontaneous and unexpected you were, and the more time we spent together, the more i was able to predict what you were going to do or say; but never in a million years would i ever see this coming. 

“look at me.” you quietly chuckled. “don’t you see the condition i’m in? i’m not gonna make it.” you were still smiling, and it ticked me off. i didn’t want you to be laughing at your own death. don’t you know how much i love you? can’t you see how worthless i’d be without you? i can’t live without you; i don’t want to. regardless, i kept it inside. 

“stop saying such nonsense! you’re gonna make it!” i've always hated the idea of false hope. what was the point of staying positive when things clearly aren’t going your way? but just this once, i’ll swallow my pride and partake in it. “you’re gonna be ok, trust me.” 

i told you to trust me when i wasn’t even able to trust myself; how contradictory of me. my chest burned. i went back to dialing when your hand began to wrap around my wrist. i looked back down at you, and somehow you started to look even worse. it looked as if the life in you was being squeezed out by death itself. well, i wasn’t going to let you go so easily. 

“hey, it’s ok. don’t worry about me.” the smile on your face softened, meaning that you didn’t have much energy and time left. i knew you were dying, but i didn’t care. i need you here, i need you here with me. you were going to hold onto that last piece of life you had as if it were your own child if it’s the last thing you do; it probably was going to be the last thing you do. 

“of course i’m going to worry!” i shouted out at you, tears finally falling out of my eyes and landing onto your bruised face. i don’t understand how i wasn’t already crying. maybe it was from the shock i felt when i saw you get hit. whatever the reason was, i was crying, and you were still able to wipe away my tears. why? why were you worrying about me? why weren’t you worried about yourself? why do you always put yourself in front of others? why? i know i do the same, but why now? while i was being swarmed by questions that i would never get an answer to, you cupped my cheek with your hand, your thumb wiping my tears away. there was a lump in my throat. i couldn’t tell if i was mad or upset, but either way, i dropped my phone. it cracked, but why should i care? you were close to dying, and yet you were the one caressing my face. your touch was cold. my chest burned. i didn’t know if you had a death wish or were just that selfless, but regardless of the reason, tears began to flow out even more. they were too fast for you to wipe away. 

“hey, look at me,” you said softly, still smiling foolishly. were you only smiling to calm me down? to make me feel better? is that why? knowing you, it probably was. we both have the bad habit of putting others before ourselves, but i know when to stop. why don’t you? do you really love me that much? i don’t deserve your love. you’ve told me again and again that i do, but sometimes i just can’t believe you. you’re royalty while i’m nothing but a mere peasant. anybody with half a brain would’ve chosen someone within the same status. you’re a real idiot, you know that? however, that doesn’t mean that i’m not thankful for all the love and care you’ve given me. 

“i’m already looking at you,” i responded, placing my hand over your hand that was on my cheek. i’m always looking at you, whether you realize it or not. you’re too captivating to look away. it’s like, if i look away for even a second, i’ll miss something; well, i guess that’s actually the case this time. 

“you know what i mean,” you said with a laugh. with each laugh, a piece of you was dying, but i didn’t stop you. the false hope i was feeling was slowly fading away, but i wasn’t paying attention to that. i just wanted to hear that angelic laugh of yours once more before it was gone. for some reason, my tears stopped flowing when i heard your laugh. maybe it was just that beautiful; or maybe it was because of the shock i felt when i realized it was your last one. 

“there’s this quote that says, ‘when the moon is not full, the stars shine more brightly,’ and i couldn’t disagree more; because whether or not the moon is full, the stars will always manage to bring out the best in the moon and the night sky. so,” you said trailing off,  your voice softening as you began to cry. i wiped your tears away, stroking your cheek gently with my thumb. my mind went blank, and the only thing i could hear and see was you. before finishing your sentence, you placed something in my other hand and pushed my fingers down onto it, making a fist. i didn’t know what you could possibly be giving me at the moment, so at first, i was confused. but once i opened my fist, i saw it. your ring. your ring that went along with the matching set you bought for us. my eyes widened, looking back at you. my chest burned. with your final dying breath, you said to me, “shine brightly for the both of us.” 

your hand fell, losing grip of my face as your eyes began to close. that was it. that was the end. it took me a couple seconds to process everything, but when i did, the tears started once more. once you died, the life around me began to materialize. there were flashing blue and red lights, annoyingly loud sirens from both police cars and an ambulance, and the noise of chatter of the people around me; but just like always, you were the only one in my eyes. snot ran down my nose as well as tears from my eyes, falling down onto your exanimate body. i wrapped my arms around you and picked you up, holding you close to my chest. 

“no..no…” i quietly whispered into your ear as if you could hear me. “you’re not gone, are you?” but you were. you were. you were gone. i hugged you tightly, wishing, praying, begging that this was nothing but a dream. as if this could ever be a dream. this was nothing but a nightmare; at least, that’s what i wished it were. at least nightmares weren’t real. this was. i held you even tighter with one hand cradling your head and the other cradling your upper half. i cried even harder when i couldn’t hear your heartbeat; not like i was even expecting it. i rocked side to side as i softly sang our song. you’ve always loved the sound of my voice. whenever you had trouble sleeping, you’d listen to recordings of my voice. you’d fall asleep within seconds of hearing my voice. i always thought how adorable your reaction was to my voice. 

“oh, baby, i am a wreck when i’m without you, i need you here to stay,” i poorly sang, my voice cracking with cries and sniffles in between. singing during that time was absolutely pointless. i could barely hear myself, and it wasn’t like you were going to hear me; yet i still sang because i wanted a miracle to happen. i wanted you to sing along with me. you may not have been able to sing, but that didn’t stop you from trying. you may have sounded like a dying cat, but your dying cat impression was music to my ears; it was my favorite sound in the entire world. i continued to sing until one of the paramedics stopped and stood right in front of me. they didn’t say anything, but i already knew what they wanted. i saw the stretcher in the distance and walked over, placing you on it. before i walked away, i took one more look at you. i kissed my fingers and placed them on your lips as a goodbye, indirectly kissing you. if only i could actually kiss you. i wiped away all the liquids flowing out of my face and stood up. the other paramedics carried you into the ambulance as i waved at you with a feeble smile. what was the point of taking you to the hospital? you were already gone. why didn’t i tell them? probably because i liked the idea that you still had a chance. i wanted to ride to the hospital with you, but i had to talk to the police officers first. it was quick and easy, i just had to tell them what happened from my point of view and answer a few questions and i was done. i picked up my cracked phone and shoved it into my back pocket as i walked towards the ambulance. i got into the ambulance and took a seat on the right side of the car. when i sat down, i felt something in my hand. i opened my hand and saw your ring in the middle of my palm. i realized that after all that, i was still holding onto it. i started crying again, quietly whimpering as i stared at your ring. my chest burned. the sounds of my sobs and sniffles filled the ambulance. i wanted to scream. i wanted to yell at the world for taking you from me. but i couldn’t. my throat was dry and ached too much for me to let out a scream. still crying profusely, i slipped your ring onto my middle finger on my right hand, right next to my ring that was on my ring finger. you didn’t like how rings felt on your ring finger, so you wore it on your middle finger. i’ll do the same. i looked at our rings next to each other and smiled softly. it was like you were still by my side. the car ride to the hospital was quiet and short. they rolled you off into a room while i stayed in the waiting room, staring up at the ceiling. i know that i could’ve left, but something about it felt wrong. while looking up at the ceiling, i noticed a window in the corner of my eye. i walked over and leaned on the glass, looking up at the shimmering sky. there was a full moon. the moon was full. the moon was at its best; something you weren’t at. a few hours passed by, and a paramedic walked out with a sorrowful expression. they told me that you didn’t make it, but i already knew that. i was planning on leaving, but they stopped me and asked if i would like to have a final moment with you. i didn’t know if i wanted to or not. maybe it was rude of me to question that, but i’ve seen enough. i didn’t want to see you dead on a hospital bed, but i guess thinking that was dumb of me. i witnessed your death, so seeing you on a hospital bed wasn’t exactly the worst. i said yes, and they took me to your room. i closed the door behind me and saw you lying there peacefully on the bed. for some reason, i felt awkward and didn’t know how to act. was i supposed to grab a chair and sit next to you? or was i supposed to stand? i did the former. i sat there nervously for a few minutes, doing nothing but staring at your desolate face, so lifeless and pale. my chest burned. i began to talk to you, seeing as that was the only thing i could think of doing. it still felt awkward, but it was better than nothing. at first i didn’t say anything important, just saying hi, telling you i was ok and what happened after you died. but after that was done with, i remembered something and thought it was something i could talk about with you. here’s what i said: 

“remember how obsessed you were with the moon? every night, you would always go out and read the same book and bask in the moonlight. sometimes i would join you, and other times i’d watch from afar. but it didn’t matter whether or not i was with you; because each and every time, i would always think to myself how much i loved the way the moonlight brought out the best in you. i treasure every moment spent with you, but my favorite times were when we slow-danced to our playlist on our cramped balcony with the moonlight shining down at us. you were always beautiful, no matter where we went; but somehow you looked even more stunning in the moonlight. remember that time i joked around and said that you were the reincarnation of the moon? you replied back by saying, ‘well if i’m the moon, then you must be the stars!’ i got confused and asked why you thought that way. you said, ‘because the night sky would be nothing with only a moon and no stars.’ i was once again confused, but laughed it off. i never actually understood what you meant; that is, until you died.” 

i wanted to go on, but my heart couldn’t take it. i rushed out with tears forming in my eyes. doctors, nurses, and paramedics tried to stop me and ask where i was going, but i didn’t bother to stop and explain. i just wanted to go home. maybe i shouldn’t call it home. it didn’t feel like home. i ran all the way back to the condo we shared. the hospital was nearby, so i arrived in about 10 minutes. when i walked in, i couldn’t tell why everything felt off; but then, i looked out at the balcony. i saw your book but not you. i realized why. anywhere i went with you, i was at home. you were my home; but you’re not here with me anymore. my chest burned. i took my phone out as i went out onto the balcony. i started playing our playlist and set my phone down on the table where you used to read at. i began to slow dance in the moonlight as i imagined you here with me, holding me in your arms. i placed my left hand on your shoulder as i held onto your right hand, picturing you holding my waist and guiding me along our confined balcony. silent tears trailed down my cheek, falling down onto the floor. i didn’t bother to wipe them away, i didn’t care enough. i looked up at your face with a wistful smile, imagining that irreplaceable smile of yours. if only i could see it once more. i wish i could see it once more. if only. i rested my head on your chest with the same feeble, melancholic smile from before. i continued to slow dance with you as the moonlight shone down on us, making the night somewhat better. my chest burned; no, not just my chest. it was everything, everything was burning, my world was burning. no, that’s not right.

my world isn’t burning; my world is dead. 

that was 3 months ago. your accident was 3 months ago. the drunk driver who hit you was arrested, and your funeral was 2 weeks later. i didn’t go. i tried, but once i saw your coffin, i ran off. i couldn’t do it, i couldn’t stay. i’m sorry. i drove off and back to the apartment we shared. i went back to our room and cried for hours. everybody was worried about me, but i didn’t want to talk to anybody. i just wanted you by my side again. i didn’t contact anybody for weeks, and i shut everybody out. i didn’t even take care of myself. sure, i ate and drank water, but that was it; and it wasn’t even like healthy food, i would eat a cookie for breakfast and frozen meals for lunch and dinner. some days i wouldn’t eat at all. i felt so lost without you that i wasn’t able to do anything properly. but who could blame me? you were the only person that’s ever made me feel this way. i’ve had my fair share of crushes, but they were nothing compared to this. never in my life have i ever looked at someone and thought, ‘i can’t live without them.’ but then you showed up; and you changed my life forever. but i’m getting off topic, we’ll talk about that later. like i said before, i wasn’t able to do anything, i was a mess. the only thing i could think about was you. every moment we’ve ever shared replayed in my mind, and to be honest, it made me feel even worse. they weren’t the only things that were being replayed in my mind. there was also the accident. i thought about all the things that i could’ve done to prevent it and why i didn’t do anything, and sooner or later, i began to blame myself for everything. sometimes i still do. ‘what if’s’ and ‘i should’ve’ began to bombard me, and before i knew it, i spiraled into depression. everyday i asked myself, ‘why wasn’t it me?’, wishing that it wasn’t you who died that day. slowly, that question morphed into a ‘it should’ve been me.’ i was slowly dying each day, and soon enough, i began to lose control of myself. by that point, i had already lost track of time, but i was never concerned about that. however, that was going to change.

a month had passed, and i couldn’t remember the last time i spoke to someone. i hadn’t slept in ages, i couldn’t even if i tried. it’s not the same without you here. i don’t remember what i was exactly doing, all i do remember is that i was on my phone. did i know what time, day, or even month it was? not at all, but i was soon going to be reminded what the date was. suddenly, an alarm went off, making me jump. i was annoyed at first, so i was going to turn it off, but after reading what the alarm was for, i began to cry. you...you didn’t even make it to 21. at the moment, i couldn’t tell if the tears running down my face were because i was mad or upset. was i mad that your idiotic self decided to save me instead of yourself, or was i upset that you decided to save only me? we could’ve been together, dead or alive; but no, we’re not together. you know, nobody told you to play hero. i would’ve been fine with dying if i knew that you were ok. i also would’ve been fine with dying if i was dying with you. why? why did you have to save me? why couldn’t i have died in your place? why couldn’t it have been me? after asking myself those questions and many more, i thought to myself, ‘maybe i really am more mad than upset.’ but i didn’t want to be mad. 

i wanted to be with you; i wanted to be dead. 

i ran out of my room and out onto the balcony, ready to jump. out of the 20 floors, we were on the 12th, so i was sure that i was going to die. i didn’t care about my life anymore, why should i? you weren’t a part of it anymore, so what was the point? then, something fell. it was one of the metal chairs that were paired with the table set we got. i guess i didn’t realize that i had knocked it over because when i did, i almost lost my footing as i climbed over the railing. i wasn’t sure how i hit it, but i did. i didn’t know it was me until i felt a sharp pain in my side. i looked over to my right, and i saw the chair on the ground. i don’t know why it was the first thing i thought about, but seeing the chair fall reminded me of the time you leaned back too far and almost got a concussion. i laughed at the thought of it, climbing back over. i picked up the chair and sat in it while tears began to form in my eyes. i looked over at where you used to sit. ever since that incident with you leaning backwards, you decided to sit on the chair closest to the railing. i imagined you sitting there, reading the same book that you always read. no matter how many times you read it, not once did you ever get bored of it. it may have confused me about what was so special with that book, but i didn’t care what or why you were reading it, i was just glad that you were happy. i rested my head on the table, burying my face in my arms as hot tears fell down my cheeks. this balcony was my favorite place in the world, but now it just doesn’t feel the same. nothing does. i sat there crying for a few hours, walking down memory lane. we had our ups and downs, but i loved every second spent with you. we could’ve made so many more, but we just didn’t get that chance. if only we did. i looked up at the moon. it was only half full; sort of like me. i’m sure you already know why. i thought back to your last dying words, making me cry even more. at some point, i stopped crying. i couldn’t. i was so tired and famished that i had no more energy. the fatigue was hitting me. i felt like fainting, but i ignored the feeling. i leaned back in my chair, staring at the moon. somehow, the sight of the moon being half full made me feel better; it was sort of like, it was missing a special piece of it, the other half, its other half. maybe because you’re like the moon, and without me, you’re only half full. not like it’s true though, the moon will only be half full for a few days. i looked over to the stars beside it. those two celestial bodies really do compliment each other. guess the moon will always be full, even when there’s only half of it in the sky. i kept on thinking back to your words. ‘well if i’m the moon, then you must be the stars!’ i didn’t have a single clue of what you could possibly mean by that, but after weeks of self-isolation, i finally figured it out. i had a vague idea of what you meant when you said your last words, but it wasn’t exactly clear enough for me to be able to express properly; but now, i know exactly what you mean. ‘shine brightly for the both of us.’ oh, you and your figurative language. 

i finally understood what you meant by that. the stars and the moon make up the night sky, and if it were to be missing one, it wouldn’t be as beautiful, now would it? if the stars and the moon were never in the night sky, there would be no night sky. if we had never met, our experiences, our highs and lows, our life together would have never been. if the moon and the stars were on their own, would there even be a night sky? if we have never met, would everything we’ve been through together even happen? now that the moon was gone, there were only the stars. the moon is without its stars, and i am without you. the stars will be the only thing shining in the sky. i will be the only thing keeping our memories alive. i will have to shine brightly for the both of us. i don’t want to, but i have to. i want to end it all, but i can’t; because if i do, then the life that we shared together would come to an end. you saved me for a reason. you saved me because you wanted me to live on. the choice to live on with or without you was mine and mine alone, but knowing me, there would always be one and only one choice. you may not be here with me, but that doesn’t mean that you’re gone. it feels like you are sometimes, but i’ll just keep reminding myself that you aren’t. if the stars disappeared along with the moon, the night sky would be no more; but the stars are resilient and care too much for the moon to let the night sky dim, so the stars will stay; and so will i. i don’t want to continue living this life without you by my side, but i will for the sake of us. besides, you’re already by my side, aren’t you? i may not be able to see you, but you’re there, watching over me, aren’t you? i bet you’re watching over me to make sure that my time doesn’t end early, aren’t you? there’s no need to worry, i won’t, because whenever i need you, all i need to do is look up at the moon. so don’t worry, you do your job, and i’ll do mine. give life to the night sky with that beautiful smile of yours, and i’ll shine brightly down here for the both of us. 

or at least, that’s what i would say if i didn’t need you in my life so badly. i understood your words, i truly did. and as always, they were beautiful; but they’re not enough to stop the pain in my heart. i’m aware that nothing ever will, so what’s the point? the void in my heart is too large and agonizing to live with. i understand that this isn’t the outcome you wanted, but you don’t always get what you want; i should know, you’re not by my side anymore. 

forever and always yours- 

the stars 

loving you is like a spring morning.

birds chirping, sun shining, and flowers blooming,

it makes you feel like being in love,

and it makes you happy to be in love.

loving you is like an endless supply of happiness. 

every time i see you, hear your laugh,

just be around you,

brings a smile to my face.

loving you is like being in a constant state of fear. 

especially since i am not a boy and you are a girl. 

if you were to find out, if anyone were to find out,

i don’t know what would happen to me.

loving you is like a long-distance relationship.

because of our situation,

i can only love you from afar,

because getting close to you will always be a struggle.

loving you is like a heart attack.

my heart is beating too fast,

sometimes it hurts,

but i can’t stop it. 

loving you is like constantly being second place.

good enough to win something, but not enough to win first place.

i’m good enough to be able to be by your side,

but not good enough to be the one you call yours.

loving you is like a bittersweet ending.

i’m happy you’ve found someone you love,

i’m happy that you’re happy.

i just wish that someone was me. 

tell me, juliet,

what do you see in him?

he’s not that great of a guy,

why do you love him so much?

juliet, your parents don’t even like him.

his parents don’t even like you.

so why do you continue going to him?

why not me?

i may not be prince charming,

or even a prince,

or even a man at that point,

but i’m sure i’d be a much better suitor for you. 

yes, i’m aware of my gender

and how that may cause complications,

but still.

why not me?

hey, juliet,

will you ever look my way?

will you ever see me the way i see you?

will you ever notice how much i love you?

i’ve been here since the beginning, 

you met him how long ago, only 2 weeks ago?

you haven’t even known him that long, 

and yet you still want to be his.

why not be mine?

i’ve loved you ever since i met you,

we’ve been through so much together,

are you really going to throw that all away for some imbecile of a man? 

juliet, i love seeing you smile,

but could you not when you’re with him?

i don’t want him falling more in love with you

when you belong to me. 

juliet, i’m hurting.

i’m in pain.

juliet, you’re hurting me.

you’re causing me pain.

stop looking at him,

stop talking to him,

stop being with him,

stop falling in love with him. 

look at me,

talk to me,

be with me,

fall in love with me.

juliet, you really are a fool.

you took your own life for a man

because you couldn’t live without him.

i can’t believe you.

but i guess i don’t have the right to talk,

for i was a fool for falling in love with you,

a fool for thinking i could ever be by your side,

a fool for wanting something i couldn’t have.