There's not enough hours in a day, to be me

Not enough hours so be who I want to be

Working long hours,

late shifts, early days,

not enough time to help them all

not enough time to even just call

not enough hours to say it's all okay

not enough time to smile and laugh,

not enough hours to waste a day,

not enough time to be a kid,

not enough hours for sweet nothings,

not enough time to calm down-

I think it's time I make time

“I’ll love you for all of eternity!”

But we didn’t have eternity. We had a year. 

If time is one of the most valuable things to ever exist, then why is it so easy to lose?

I never really realized how much we take time for granted; that is, until the hourglass of life was coming to an end. More specifically, your hourglass of life. 

.

.

.

“You have one year at best.” 

One year. Only one year, at best. Once a year goes by, you’ll go along with it. You’ll be gone, you won’t be here anymore, you’ll be dead; you’ll leave my side. 

I was terrified, I was scared; but above all, I was angry. How? Why? How could you let someone as amazing as you only be given a year left? Why would you ever let someone as wonderful as you only have a year left of your life? I was furious. 

But was I really? Was I just using anger to hide the pain I was feeling? I certainly didn’t know. But what I did know is that you weren’t feeling the same things I was. No, in fact, you were smiling. 

“Don’t worry! I’ll be fine!”

But how could you ever know that? That’s right, you don’t. Because in the end, you won’t be fine; you’ll be dead. 

But behind that smile, I knew that you were just as terrified as I was. You were just trying to be the strong one. How pathetic of me. I should be the one smiling through the pain, not you. I wasn’t the one with a time limit, you were. But I couldn’t bring myself to smile at a time like that; for all that was in my mind, was a life without you. 

.

.

.

We tried our best to make the most of the year. It wasn’t easy. After all, the thought of you suddenly disappearing from my life was always in the back of my head, taunting me each and every passing second. But once I saw your smile, it filled me with hope, a hope that made me believe that things really will be fine. 

With your remaining days, we spent the days living on the edge without a care in the world. From skydiving to flying halfway across the world, we tried our best to fill our days with sunshine and smiles; keyword, tried. 

If there were ups, there were obviously going to be downs. There were times where you’d randomly collapse and give me a heart attack, there were times where I cried myself to sleep in fear that one day, I’ll wake up without you by my side, there were times where we both cried. We were scared, but who could blame us? We were going to lose each other.

.

.

.

And lose each other did we. The year went by with a blink of the eye, and before I knew it, I was standing before your grave with flowers in my hand and tears trailing down my face. How? How did everything end so quickly? I still had so much more I wanted to do with you, to tell you; but unfortunately for us, the universe was against us. Maybe it was telling us that we weren’t meant to be, that we weren’t right for each other. But if so, the universe can go to hell because I was willing to sacrifice the world for you. 

.

.

.

But that’ll never happen,

because before our very eyes, 

eternity had ended.

There are not enough hours

to explain to everyone that deserves to be told.

I've got a hand clasped over my mouth

--ghostly, familiar, my own--

And a fishtank for a brain, just

Holding it all in, swimming

Round and round and round

Let go, for a moment, breathe

--but there's no time, no time, no--

You should know . . . but I cannot

Possibly say it, spill it, leak . . .

--round and round and round--

To the one I might have had

Wrapped around my finger,

And my mother who doesn't

Know the difference, and

The boy I fell in love with

A million times over and

The girl I could have held

Onto forever and a day,

--i'm terrible, i'm cruel, i'm lying--

To myself I was lying

To them, I didn't have the time

Forgive me, I didn't have

--take one last breath, say it--

Time, running round and

--round and round and--

You won't know

Because to you I'm

Just

Normal enough

Never enough hours in a day

to say all I want to say

and do all I want to do

Never enough time in a single life

to say all I need to say

and do all I need to do

So I’m gonna say what I want

while it’s fresh on my tongue

I’m gonna do what I need

before it sours in my belly

I won't let my chance slip away

while I wait for the time to ripen

This fruit only ages once in this life

and that window of opportunity is now

Time is a fickle thing

always changing and never the same

Sometimes a slow crawl

and other times, a speeding car

whizzing past the days

until last year

feels like yesterday

Even though you know

that it’s been so much longer than that

That you have aged far more than just a day

As the years flow

water to vapor or ground

that is how the years will go

But regardless

they will never be enough

Always leaving you wanting

Time who stops for no pleas

loyal to no one

And yet treasured by all

A bittersweet flavour is time

"If I could save time in a bottle, the first thing that I'd like to do, is to save every day till eternity passes away just to spend it with you..." (Jim Croce, Time in a Bottle)

**********

I will love you forever...

What does that even mean?

What is forever

but a string of letters,

empty nonsense

about something

we can never

experience

here, now

where

the myriad moments

we accumulate

and call

a life

are finite,

where each life

is as

significant -

across the broad

expanse of time -

as a grain of sand

a molecule of water

a speck of stardust

in the vast universe.

There are not enough

seconds in one minute

minutes in one hour

hours in one day

days in one week

weeks in one month

months in one year

years

in

one

lifetime

for us to spend loving

and feel that we loved

enough.

So,

I will love you forever

where forever is

every moment

I have breath

until I no longer do

until we are

together but

ash

and

dust

mingling

with

eternity.

there are not enough hours.

i've stolen enough of them already,

hoarding them in a corner of my room

usually dedicated to cobwebs.

i've wished on stars,

waited for them to

tell me how

to pick a bouquet of

seconds and minutes.

the ending is close

but i attempt to forget it,

even if just

for a little while,

as i desparately search

for a makeshift solution

so i can stay

for a

little longer.

not enough hours,

not enough time

to break down my walls

and sift through the grime

not enough hours

to release me from guilt

not enough hours

to unbuild what's been built.

not enough hours

to redeem this lost mind

my time's running out,

don't waste yourself on my bind.

not enough hours

to sort through the pain

deciding what's fruitless

and what's actually gain.

not enough time

to save me, my love.

so focus on saving yourself

for the next strike of the dove.

for one day you'll find

another much better

one day you'll find

that i wear a black letter.

my heart has been given

to a lady named misery

and you won't get it back,

so just drown in commisery.

i'm too far gone

this pit trap has caught me.

don't ensnare yourself too,

you're too valuable, honey.

save yourself from me

so you can save the next sad soul

who is unlucky enough

to fall into this hole.

I should have been there.

I should have been by your side the entire time.

I should have been glued to that creaky, scratchy chair, my eyes taped open, holding your hand like a lifeline because, love, that's what you always were.

I should have payed more attention,

Should have seen you deteriorating before my eyes,

Should have noticed your sunken cheeks and your trembling legs as you shuffled between the bedroom and the kitchen, determined to make us breakfast in bed,

But holding your hand never paid the bills,

Memorizing your face, tracing each and every contour of the skeleton becoming more and more prominent beneath my fingers never put food on our table,

Loving you put a roof over my heart, but not a roof over our heads.

The house doesn't feel like a home, anymore,

Not without you there,

Not without your laughter, your dancing, your tuneless little hums and I always used to tell you to write some songs but you'd just shake your head and smile.

I'm suffocating in the silence of your absence,

Drowning in memories long gone,

What I wouldn't do for a little more time, just a few more hours with you,

Because I should have been there in that hospital room,

Saying "I love you" for the last time,

Holding your hand as you drifted away,

But there just weren't enough hours in the day.

There are not enough hours

Or enough ways

I dont have the power

Or the days

To tell you just how much

You mean to me

You are my everything

I wish you could see

Yes, you were everything

But now your just a picture on my hutch