For the kids,

Our sweet chirping baby birds,

That life would be empty without

We tell them that we are strong,

Holding back tears as we do so,

That magic exists in the world

But it's actually just kindness

The lies we tell them,

We also tell ourselves,

Because who wouldn't want to live in a world

Where the Easter bunny and these mythical creatures

are real

A place where good always wins,

And love always prevails,

Bills don't exist and food just appears,

A place where fear is a myth,

We try to give them that illusion,

To keep them happy and innocent,

And so that when they grow up,

They can cope and deal with the reality around them.

When I fart, the odor covers the planet and causes those who would choose to destroy this planet; a tough time breathing. If that isn't enough, I would belch so loudly as to shake the rafters, giving the bad people of the world a taste of what nastiness really is. Finally, I would piss in all the gas tanks of every military transport until they can no longer move. I would have one other power but would save that one for emergencies only. Turd bombs on the enemies' heads. After this is done, then leaders around the world would understand why it is vital we have clean air and deal with the ozone problem.

I can't say I like it

But I'm, what's that trending cliché phrase? Oh yes, " I'm built different ".

Although from the outside you can't tell.

I have a power, like a super power; But I gotta say it's pretty shitty.... I mean that Literally and Literally is used in the non "woke" way to actually mean Literally and does not include figuratively though I could call it figuratively because my opinion is it is shitty as well. For this instance though I mean literal.

Its shit. I mean I can with a passing glance at any distance and in any circumstance make someone shit their pants if I simply think to.

Gross right?

It is. It's gnarly and surprizingly unique to each victim I do it to. How gross is decided by a number of things the main one being what their last meal was and it is multiplied by how publicly the "doo doo" occurs.

I used to think it was a curse.

I mean I'll never forget how crazy I felt when my pre-k teacher upset me by taking my blanket away saying that "it's a blanket not a cape!" and then she did the weirdest display of behaviors.

She halted mid stride and cinched at her knees and looked like she might be about to sneeze but turning a bright rubicon red and starting to sweat a little. She did a hap hazard Plie¹ and swayed in her stance until, looking mortified she had to lean on a bookcase. Suddenly the classroom was filled with a smell like toxic waste and our teacher forgot any concept of protocol and she scuttled rapidly to the door and off into the hall without a word to anybody.

It was weird because I felt guilty and I had no clue that I should have done just that.

So my power is inflicting defecation nonconsentually.

Now immediately following that happening I did not actually grasp my part in it and naturally it took several instances before the trend hit me as stand out at all.

Why when I'm ticked off do all of these people violently poop themselves? The faces they make are the best part but the worst is the smells.

So, I've known for a long time and I never tell anyone. Ever.

I mean what could I say to explain that were I to endeavor to make you relieve yourself wherever you stood what might you think? Would you call me a freak and shun me? Be friendly but dishonestly, joking to not trigger whatever unknown Part of me controlls the crap trigger and that would basically ruin any enjoyment I get from being social.

Well lets just say this next part of my story is some unexpected shit, and I mean that in more ways than one.

I'm early in my twenties when World War 4 had broken out and world leaders are picketing about why they should get more out of leading their countries to kill one another.

Anyway, today was a pivitol moment, to act as a fulcrum that could prove to be the deciding factor of the war being won and speeches consisted of vernal cannon fodder blasting derogatory hearsay left and right and everyone wss invited to try to fight one another and no peace was to be had.

It got REALLY bad and suddenly from behind the podium the world's leaders leap, they cleared the short distances between them and violently met with one another in an altercation. Ever world leader from every nation all hog-wild fighting fisticuffs in a riotous rampage!

It was then that I thought of it, the thought that saved the world that day.

A flatulant noise squield out and surprisingly echoed from center stage. You could have heard a pin drop as the mob in the middle stayed totally still quite suddenly. They stopped on the spot and as fast as it had started momentarily minutes ago.

A hush over took the vast atrium and you could see the sign language translators holding their arms out with their thumbs and each finger floating readily. Much like a conductor conveying the count at the orchestra in the beginning of a symphony.

Cacophonous now the sound we heard, echos and though none could see what had stopped everyone. You heard the president state aloud "gotta run; seriously!" And with all the dignity he could muster he held his lower back conspicuously, and at a quickened pace made hi way back stahe and ultimately I knew he was heading to the restroom.

It would turn out that the room of shocked elite folks were all mortified and perhaps it was just what the world needed as it was revoked, the order for war.

They had all trauma bonded and embarrassed at their explosive asses they'd worked together to more or less mitigate their losses of social standing, having to stand while 100 % covered inside their slacks was their feces. As a group they came together to usurp societies judgements as the audience hadnt been phased and would be less likely to understand, once a whiff of the poop of an unexpected nature came over them in a haze of nasty smelling, conflict quelling stench rolled on them.

From that day forward all of them had that as a reference to their fellow political figure heads humanity and this effect has bled down through the cogs of society bringing peace between countries and opening mentalities to be more accepting of our differences cause when we look back it's maintained that be us black white brown tan or red; We all poop the same.

the army i will raise will have no guns.

they may have helmets, but the tomatoes we'll get pitched at us will get through.

'better get goggles on' i'll say, as i marshall them.

then, we will congregate.

one hand cobtrols the dials,

the other, hovers between the vertical and horizontal antennea.

the mummies from planet Fezvillon will stop dead in their place, and become unravelled, then their grey ash will blow in the wind.

Fezvillonians can't stand theramins.

The bomb is about to explode in only 10 minutes. But never fear! Dr. Shelley is on the case.

As she inspected the bomb, she wondered whether it was time to reveal her secret power. No one else had ever seen it in action, except for one memorable sun-related emergency in Cancún. But, as she reflected, saving the world was worth revealing her secret.

Everyone in the room grew silent as Shelley pointed at the bomb. Mustering all her energy, she yelled "SUNBLOCK!" The bomb was instantly covered in sunscreen, which was so repellent of UV rays that when the bomb exploded a second later it was a self-contained perpetual motion machine.

After surviving the explosion, the president immediately awarded her the Medal of Freedom. The bomb was moved to a nuclear energy facility, where it became the first source of completely renewable energy. And everyone lived happily ever after!

When the aliens invaded, I knew I was needed. People mocked me for this power and said I was useless. But I'll show them.

Their leader was staying in the Whitehouse in North America. I took a business flight to D.C. and requested a conference with the Leader.

"You really think you can stop us?" The Leader laughed. "Once we destroy Earth, space will finally be saved. We might even be able to relocate all organisms of Earth to safer planets-"

"Silence fiend!" I shouted and removed my oversized jacket. "I- T.V. Man, will stop you!"

I grabbed the remote and turned on the television attached to my stomach.

"What are you- what is that?" They pointed to the screen.

I smirked as they noticed my secret weapon. "This is reality T.V.."

The Leader and their bodyguards watched for two hours. I turned it off and waited for them to respond.

"Maybe," The Leader murmured, "This planet will destroy itself. Perhaps we should let it be."

That, my friends, is how I saved the planet.

We sat in the doctor's office. The doctor looked at us with a straight face and said,

"You have pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis."

"What?!" I said not knowing what the **** he was talking about.

"You have pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis." The doctor repeated.

"Is it serious?" I asked.

"It's incurable, you are going to die." the doctor continued obviously not knowing

what the term "Bedside manner" means.

"What!?" I said again.

"There's no cure. We will try to make you comfortable in the time you have remaining?" The doctor went on.

"What!?" I repeated completely in shock.

"You should probably get your affairs in order." the doctor said finally.

"How long do I have?" I begged.

"It's hard to say, maybe a decade or 2, Maybe less" The doctor answered.

"What!?" I responded.

we are

ancient rome.

our love

is an empire,

but it's built

on a volcano

destined to

explode.

our ending is already

predicted

in plaster cast bodies

drowning in dust.

and i keep telling myself

that we'll make it out alive

but even if we do,

i'm still gonna end up with

pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.

Simple answer - it’s a vowel. Or - at least - it started out that way. But do you want to know why? Blame the Greeks.

And so - the slightly longer answer…

The Greek alphabet has 24 letters, seven of which are vowels. These seven are:

α (alpha) - the equivalent of a in the Roman alphabet

ε (epsilon) - the equivalent of ‘short’ e

η (eta) - the equivalent of ‘long’ e

ι (iota) - the equivalent of i

ο (omicron) - the equivalent of ‘short’ o

υ (upsilon) - the equivalent of u

ω (omega) - the equivalent of ‘long’ o

Like the Roman alphabet, the Greek alphabet has a set of capital letters that complements the small letters. In the case of the vowels, the capital and small letter pairings in Greek look like this:

Αα Eε Hη Iι Oο Yυ Ωω

In some cases (A, E, I and O), the Greek capital letter look the same as their Roman counterpart. Capital eta, confusingly, looks like a capital H. Capital omega looks quite unlike any Roman letter. Which leaves us with capital upsilon. And that looks just like a Roman capital Y (I say ‘Roman capital Y’, despite the fact that Classical Latin didn’t actually have a letter Y at all. It was ‘imported’ into English - which otherwise generally used the Roman alphabet - from Greek. Precisely the point I’m making here, of course. Blame the Greeks.)

And that is also why certain words that are spelt with an upsilon in Greek are spelt with a ‘y’ in English, where the English words are derived directly from the Greek. Let me give you a few examples. The English word ‘psyche’ (which also gives us other similar words, like ‘psychologist’, psychiatry’ and ‘psycho’), is derived from the Greek word ψυχη (psuche) - notice that the second letter is upsilon. Another example is ‘hypnosis’, an English world derived from the Greek word υπνωση (upnose). Here, the first Greek letter, an upsilon, has ‘turned’ into a ‘y’ in English. One final example: the English word ‘synagogue’ is derived from a not-unexpectedly common word that is found within the Greek New Testament, συναγωγη (sunagoge) - once again, note how a Greek upsilon has been rendered with a ‘y’ in English (and in all these examples, is actually pronounced ‘i’, whether long or short, and not ‘u’).

So, the Greek vowel upsilon is, effectively, the ancestor of two letters in English - U and Y. And ‘y’, therefore - at least in terms of origin - is to be considered a vowel, not a consonant.

Of course, over time it acquired a usage as a consonant too. But that - as they say - is another story.

Then, of course, there’s the way in which ‘i’ in Latin could be both vowel and consonant - and when pronounced as a consonant was pronounced as a ‘y’ (and, eventually, rendered as a ‘j’). So, for example, Iove (pronounced ‘Yove’) eventually gives us Jove, Iupiter (pronounced ‘Yupiter’) eventually yields Jupiter, and Iulius… well, you get the picture. But that’s yet another story.

There are also the occasions when ‘y’ in English actually derives from an archaic Anglo-Saxon letter for ‘th’ - which is why in the phrase ye olde tea shoppe, the ‘ye’ should actually be pronounced ‘the’ (contrary to what most people assume). But that is yet another, entirely different, story!

And then there’s ‘y’ in Welsh...

I’m going to stop now. You did want the simple answer - right?

1) Absolutely not. The double wide would never survive re-entry!

2) “Trash“ would automatically pull it’s britches down every time it hears “moon-shot”.

3) “Trash” already has too many craters on it’s Uranus.

4) You just can’t deep-fry Tang.

5) “Trash” would giggle every time the other astronauts suggested a dark side re-entry.

6) There would be Croc prints forever embedded in the moon dust.

7) If ”Trash” found out there were asteroids in the Milky Way it would quit eating candy.

8) “Trash” would cut the sleeves off of a perfectly good space suit to show off a new tattoo.

9) Do we really need a pink flamingo planted outside the International Space Station?

10) The other astronauts would forever be calling out “moon-shot”! (See #2)

No, “Trash” should stick to vacationing on the Gulf Shore beaches, where it belongs!