Many years ago,

I saw some words on a screen.

.

Words somehow transmitted through

( ( ( thought/fingers/satellite. ) ) )

.

I replied because I was impressed.

Impressed with honesty.

With insight;

With knowledge of humanity beyond my limited understanding.

My world was opened,

Crushed,

Exacerbated,

By the illuminated text

Sent (via unknowable technological magics)

From that vital brain to my own.

We argued about life,

about goodness,

about wrongs.

Day after day we battled and danced with words.

...Those precious words... (Maybe that’s why I still use them.)

Upon each instant of waking

My insides began to flutter in anticipation.

I couldn’t tell you exactly when it happened.

Maybe there was no “when it happened.”

Maybe it was always there, waiting to be discovered,

Like an ancient artifact;

Some long-lost treasure, built by gods or aliens,

Buried but intact.

I knew only one thing:

Surer than air.

Surer than pain.

Surer than gravity.

I was in love.

Oh God; what Love.

The kind where nothing else matters.

Eventually we learned each-others’ facts:

He was a he. I was a she.

He was 17. I was 16.

He lived in Missouri, USA. I lived in Tasmania, Australia. 

It was the opposite side of the world...

A distance

Insurmountable.

Impossible.

Debilitating...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And yet,

This morning,

Upon the moment of waking,

My insides fluttered with memories.

( ( ( heartbeats/airplanes/sweaty palms ) ) )

I stroked his beard and kissed his shoulder,

As I have done every morning, without realizing, for years.

He turned to me and grumbled “Hmph.”

And it occured to me,

That perhaps not even words

...My precious words...

Could communicate

What his most inarticulate utterances stir within.

Our world turned upside down,

I sat in the unrelenting cold.

As the ivory flakes cascaded,

I was left without anyone to hold. 

It was dark, it was dreary,

even though it was bright outside.

Roses slumped in the crystal vase,

the color leeched out as they died.

We solemnly listened to the radio,

as it sat on the ivory mantle of frost.

In all its brokenness, it played

soft songs that had once been lost. 

And in all my darkness, I heard

the nostalgic, hushed guitar strings,

that I followed on a dark desert highway,

that gave my frozen heart wings.

They brought back memories of you,

Through a shimmering light.

For I finally thought to myself,

I felt free of the velvet night.

I remembered how I loved you,

and fell for the look in your eyes -

cerulean like the dark sea,

magnetizing like the sunrise.

So I hoped, with all my soul,

that somewhere, by strings of fate,

you'd hear this lonely song, 

and know that it's you I await. 

because we had been here before,

Frozen under a single light.

I missed your deep blue eyes, 

in this monochrome sea of white.

My love, the radio whispered,

and I thought of your heartbeat.

As I had heard it a year ago,

leaving me painfully bittersweet.

I never meant to love you,

but the moment you smiled, 

I, unequivocally, knew I would - 

to the darkened edges of the wild. 

Some dance to remember, 

some dance to forget,

but we danced to love,

no bleeding moments of regret. 

So now whenever that song plays,

I think of you and a never-ending December.

I only hope, when you hear these strings, 

wistfully yet in love, you remember.

Heartbreak had me kissing other people to get over you

I fell in love with too many ghost of you

I became a haunted house

Too spook

With the thought of start over

Too afraid of cobwebs of memories

That were

Edited to

Not see

The brokenness in every glass you shatter

Inside of me

I tried to turn your spells into lyrics

Thinking

I could

Pull you from the graves of

Under tow

And resurrect all the good moments

And leave all the darkness

And anger

Buried in coffins of scrapbooks

And I be lying if I didn’t bend over bodies

And try to resurrect

You through them

Searching for

Someone like you

See lips

Are the same on every body

But they all smelled like charcoal

And empty catacombs

That lack substance

just walking Cadviers

I became a coroner

Them asking

Why did I our love die

So fast

I can’t bring myself

To say

You

Ever tried to love a dead thing back to life .....

Mourning you

Was like loving you in every person I fell for

and you are dead to me love

falling

yearning for proximity

longing for your approval

carving every moment

into my soul

into the margins of my notebook

the forefront of my brain

etched out

in flowery cursive

“today, you smiled at me”

being

syrupy sweet

thick like a fog

breathe it in

sigh it out

a kiss

a hug

a glance

we share a smile

or a short chuckle

and all is right in the world

landing

the lights have dimmed

a smile just isn’t enough anymore

the butterflies settle

the flowers wilt

the hearts sink deep into the earth

the world cools

chills

freezes over

our souls weep

baby girl,

heart of glass,

I’m sorry.

Your heart sits unmoving in the coffin that is your chest,

the creak of rotting wood and old hinges,

keys hidden from the boy who tried to break you,

kept on a chain at your throat like a noose,

wrapped in paper scrawled with a promise to never love again

written a hundred times over

(and over and over)

reckless boy,

heart of ash,

why did you do it?

Your hands are shaking, even now, unfit for a glass heart-

and I know you thought she could fix you,

thought she would see the flames in your eyes

but she shattered as you burned away

leaving two empty husks in the field behind the church

crashing against one another, primal and violent and free

(with nothing behind the eyes)

i watch his eyes, dark and brown, as he lights a match,

the flame reflects and i can barely make out

the caramel tint that is only visible in the sun,

the eyes that look at me so fondly when i tell him

how beautiful he is for the sixth time that day

i watch his hands as he hovers the flame

over the wick of the apple cinnamon candle

he bought for me because he knows its the

only scent i will burn in my room, the hands

that trace my skin while i read my favorite

books as he watches my expressions as if my face

is telling the story to him

i watch his lips as he blows the match out

and lets the smoke travel where ever it wants,

the lips that are always soft and eager to kiss me

when we stop at red lights or before we go

to bed or when he comes home from studying

at the park because i distract him with too

much affection, he doesn't have the strength to resist

You are hopelessly attractive...

the sound of your voice that soothes my anxieties

the look on your face when I talk about the things that I enjoy

the fact that you show interest in what I do on a daily basis

it's in the way that you laugh at my jokes, and sometimes at me

the way that you smile at me, as I try to figure out what you're thinking

or when you rest your head on my shoulder for no reason at all

when you do the things that I like with me even when you don't want to

or whenever you ask me to follow you and I usually say no, but I follow anyways

but sadly you're not mine

and you maybe never will be

so I hope she appreciates everything you do for her

and even though she's yours

you're still hopelessly attractive to me...

love is a concept

surrounding you and me

true love

fake love

puppy love

"i love you"

tossed around easily

it weighs nothing

right?

I don't think so

love weighs heavily

on

my

mind

will I find it?

does it exist?

am I capable of loving you

when I can't love myself?

I thought I'd be more heartbroken.

A bit of selfishness, on my part, I suppose. You never loved the sun the way a rainbow did. Perhaps I said goodbye a long time ago, there have been so many, I lost count of the stars on darkest of nights. I swam oceans for you, while you stood on the sand

not caring who drowned. My organic heart wrapped your soul inside it, when you just took my heart and threw it to the moon. You never loved the rain the way the earth does. Searching in hills over the valley where nothing lay on you, because empty is your favorite blue. Lying to myself about you, about us. Staying in comfort when hell was bound. I can't hear the birds sing the songs they sing, your untamed heart is free. I want to smell flowers while you climb dead trees. Summer turns to winter and spring never arrived, I let you close my eyes to my mind that's wide. I said my final goodbye a time or three. Though today is the last of you and me.

© Chantelle Cherie Lily