the softest chaos
I tattooed my petals over your skin
structured myself into those bones
breathed in deeper than my soul stands
filling your lungs with love
and giving us life,
the softest chaos forever imprinted
the crimson threads
Many years ago,
I saw some words on a screen.
Words somehow transmitted through
( ( ( thought/fingers/satellite. ) ) )
I replied because I was impressed.
Impressed with honesty.
With knowledge of humanity beyond my limited understanding.
My world was opened,
By the illuminated text
Sent (via unknowable technological magics)
From that vital brain to my own.
We argued about life,
Day after day we battled and danced with words.
...Those precious words... (Maybe that’s why I still use them.)
Upon each instant of waking
My insides began to flutter in anticipation.
I couldn’t tell you exactly when it happened.
Maybe there was no “when it happened.”
Maybe it was always there, waiting to be discovered,
Like an ancient artifact;
Some long-lost treasure, built by gods or aliens,
Buried but intact.
I knew only one thing:
Surer than air.
Surer than pain.
Surer than gravity.
I was in love.
Oh God; what Love.
The kind where nothing else matters.
Eventually we learned each-others’ facts:
He was a he. I was a she.
He was 17. I was 16.
He lived in Missouri, USA. I lived in Tasmania, Australia.
It was the opposite side of the world...
Upon the moment of waking,
My insides fluttered with memories.
( ( ( heartbeats/airplanes/sweaty palms ) ) )
I stroked his beard and kissed his shoulder,
As I have done every morning, without realizing, for years.
He turned to me and grumbled “Hmph.”
And it occured to me,
That perhaps not even words
...My precious words...
What his most inarticulate utterances stir within.
Our world turned upside down,
I sat in the unrelenting cold.
As the ivory flakes cascaded,
I was left without anyone to hold.
It was dark, it was dreary,
even though it was bright outside.
Roses slumped in the crystal vase,
the color leeched out as they died.
We solemnly listened to the radio,
as it sat on the ivory mantle of frost.
In all its brokenness, it played
soft songs that had once been lost.
And in all my darkness, I heard
the nostalgic, hushed guitar strings,
that I followed on a dark desert highway,
that gave my frozen heart wings.
They brought back memories of you,
Through a shimmering light.
For I finally thought to myself,
I felt free of the velvet night.
I remembered how I loved you,
and fell for the look in your eyes -
cerulean like the dark sea,
magnetizing like the sunrise.
So I hoped, with all my soul,
that somewhere, by strings of fate,
you'd hear this lonely song,
and know that it's you I await.
because we had been here before,
Frozen under a single light.
I missed your deep blue eyes,
in this monochrome sea of white.
My love, the radio whispered,
and I thought of your heartbeat.
As I had heard it a year ago,
leaving me painfully bittersweet.
I never meant to love you,
but the moment you smiled,
I, unequivocally, knew I would -
to the darkened edges of the wild.
Some dance to remember,
some dance to forget,
but we danced to love,
no bleeding moments of regret.
So now whenever that song plays,
I think of you and a never-ending December.
I only hope, when you hear these strings,
wistfully yet in love, you remember.
Heartbreak had me kissing other people to get over you
I fell in love with too many ghost of you
I became a haunted house
With the thought of start over
Too afraid of cobwebs of memories
The brokenness in every glass you shatter
Inside of me
I tried to turn your spells into lyrics
Pull you from the graves of
And resurrect all the good moments
And leave all the darkness
Buried in coffins of scrapbooks
And I be lying if I didn’t bend over bodies
And try to resurrect
You through them
Someone like you
Are the same on every body
But they all smelled like charcoal
And empty catacombs
That lack substance
just walking Cadviers
I became a coroner
Why did I our love die
I can’t bring myself
Ever tried to love a dead thing back to life .....
Was like loving you in every person I fell for
and you are dead to me love
falling, being, landing.
yearning for proximity
longing for your approval
carving every moment
into my soul
into the margins of my notebook
the forefront of my brain
in flowery cursive
“today, you smiled at me”
thick like a fog
breathe it in
sigh it out
we share a smile
or a short chuckle
and all is right in the world
the lights have dimmed
a smile just isn’t enough anymore
the butterflies settle
the flowers wilt
the hearts sink deep into the earth
the world cools
our souls weep
glass and ash
heart of glass,
Your heart sits unmoving in the coffin that is your chest,
the creak of rotting wood and old hinges,
keys hidden from the boy who tried to break you,
kept on a chain at your throat like a noose,
wrapped in paper scrawled with a promise to never love again
written a hundred times over
(and over and over)
heart of ash,
why did you do it?
Your hands are shaking, even now, unfit for a glass heart-
and I know you thought she could fix you,
thought she would see the flames in your eyes
but she shattered as you burned away
leaving two empty husks in the field behind the church
crashing against one another, primal and violent and free
(with nothing behind the eyes)
i watch his eyes, dark and brown, as he lights a match,
the flame reflects and i can barely make out
the caramel tint that is only visible in the sun,
the eyes that look at me so fondly when i tell him
how beautiful he is for the sixth time that day
i watch his hands as he hovers the flame
over the wick of the apple cinnamon candle
he bought for me because he knows its the
only scent i will burn in my room, the hands
that trace my skin while i read my favorite
books as he watches my expressions as if my face
is telling the story to him
i watch his lips as he blows the match out
and lets the smoke travel where ever it wants,
the lips that are always soft and eager to kiss me
when we stop at red lights or before we go
to bed or when he comes home from studying
at the park because i distract him with too
much affection, he doesn't have the strength to resist
You are hopelessly attractive...
You are hopelessly attractive...
the sound of your voice that soothes my anxieties
the look on your face when I talk about the things that I enjoy
the fact that you show interest in what I do on a daily basis
it's in the way that you laugh at my jokes, and sometimes at me
the way that you smile at me, as I try to figure out what you're thinking
or when you rest your head on my shoulder for no reason at all
when you do the things that I like with me even when you don't want to
or whenever you ask me to follow you and I usually say no, but I follow anyways
but sadly you're not mine
and you maybe never will be
so I hope she appreciates everything you do for her
and even though she's yours
you're still hopelessly attractive to me...
love is a concept
surrounding you and me
"i love you"
tossed around easily
it weighs nothing
I don't think so
love weighs heavily
will I find it?
does it exist?
am I capable of loving you
when I can't love myself?
I Said Our Last Goodbye Today...
I thought I'd be more heartbroken.
A bit of selfishness, on my part, I suppose. You never loved the sun the way a rainbow did. Perhaps I said goodbye a long time ago, there have been so many, I lost count of the stars on darkest of nights. I swam oceans for you, while you stood on the sand
not caring who drowned. My organic heart wrapped your soul inside it, when you just took my heart and threw it to the moon. You never loved the rain the way the earth does. Searching in hills over the valley where nothing lay on you, because empty is your favorite blue. Lying to myself about you, about us. Staying in comfort when hell was bound. I can't hear the birds sing the songs they sing, your untamed heart is free. I want to smell flowers while you climb dead trees. Summer turns to winter and spring never arrived, I let you close my eyes to my mind that's wide. I said my final goodbye a time or three. Though today is the last of you and me.
© Chantelle Cherie Lily