Male 73, 5′8″, grumpy between 7 a.m. and 11:00 a.m.. Happy from noon to midnight (have no memory of what I’m like from 11 to noon), from midnight to 7, I snore, fart, and drool a lot. I have some hair on my head and teeth in my mouth unless they are soaking in a cup to become clean. I have all my fingers and toes and four strong brain cells (not to be confused with jail cells), searching for a fine (okay, maybe just okay) lady to share weekends, holidays, and paid vacations with. Looking for someone not into marriage as I’m against any word that has “age” in it. You must not have the following: a walker (not to be confused with stalker) a sound memory (not to be confused with mammary, although they are acceptable), be a good cook or at least know what a microwave is. Not asking for much, but can you pay for our first vacation together?

Awaiting your reply with bated (not to be confused with baited) breath. (If you are blind just skip this ad.) PS: Be filthy rich.

Are you interested in feet? Unusuallyyyy interested in feet?

Do you sometimes pretend to be a foot doctor or professional masseuse just to get your fingers on some toes?

Well FABULOUS news! You're the person for me!

I'm a young woman, 5'5, 127 lbs, size 6 feet with high arches, and I definitely don't have a foot fetish. But I do have a soft spot for people with foot fetishes.

So if the pandemic has you down and desperate to slip off some socks, message me with your details, and maybe we can work out a no-shoes service.

*DISCLAIMER: I'm not interested in your feet. I'm interested in YOU if you're interested in MY feet!

For the Outlander fans out there...

Single white female in search of Highland warrior. Must not own pants - kilts only, worn in true regimental fashion (everything free and unencumbered underneath as God intended). Chiseled abs preferred but not required as long as you are able to hoist me over your shoulder and call me Sassenach. Must be willing to die to protect me from various dangers - including rapists, murderers and indigenous peoples who have every right to be mad that we want to build a house on their land. Open-mindedness toward time travel, complicated exes and strong-willed women is ideal.

Looking for someone who wants a 5’8” girl who cooks (or at least tries to) and bakes (and does a damn good job of it). She sings (sometimes so off key and sometimes so loudly that you may wish you were deaf). She is semi-athletic, semi-genius, semi-narcissistic, and semi-sweet (like a chocolate chip). She may not win you over by looks or first impressions (neither of which are sources of pride), but if you hang around for a bit, she’ll cuddle, play with your hair, bake cinnamon rolls in the shape of your name, and beat you at checkers, chess, monopoly, exploding kittens, Uno, scategories, and Skipbo. She loves board games, writing, stand-up comedy (or all comedy) and movies (except horror... she’s scary enough as it is (although now that she thinks about it, that isn't really a selling point)).

She is looking for someone with a bright smile, life skills (hopefully cooking is one of them), low expectations, abs and the -cepts (such as bi- and tri-) (if not feasible, just strong and tall enough to learn swing dancing with), and preferably within 4 years of her age.

Ps. Also does not want someone who breathes through cancer sticks or is addicted to adult bubble juice.

Seeking someone that is a great communicator. And what I mean by “great communicator” is that you must do these things:

- When you are stressed, you must say “Psyduck” and pretend you are going to explode.

- Anytime you speak to me, you must sing all responses. Preferably do this in an 80s power rock ballad style.

- Do not keep your thoughts to yourself. Instead of thinking thoughts in your head, tell me everything going through your mind in the style of a villain doing a monologue.

Please give me a few days to respond to your request, as the girls will no doubt be blowing up my profile....

I need someone with big ears, just to make sure you can hear me.

I need someone with a big mouth, just to make sure you can talk with me.

I need someone with a big head, so you can think with me.

I nead someone with big arms, so you can hold me back from doing stupid shit.

I need someone with a big chest, so you have a heart big enough to hold me.

I need someone with big legs, so you can catch me when I try to run away from you.

I need someone with big eyes, so you can see when I'm suffering.

I need someone with big feet, so you don't mind when I step on you if we dance.

I need someone biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig.

The following is a brief introduction written by the advertiser:

“I’m neither too fat nor too thin, eat anything, and have bouts of hayfever every morning but am generally recovered by midday. I play music for at least three hours daily and it’s possible I’ll be up in the middle of the night to write out the music that’s playing in my head, which means I might also have to experiment by playing it so I’d appreciate your buying me an electric piano with headphones. This of course is optional; if you’re not keen on spending just get yourself a pair of good earplugs.

Am good with children but have a fragile back so will require your help at home all hours to carry the babies. I’ll wash the dishes but you’ll have diaper duty. I tend to write spasmodically and if I have a good novel idea I’ll drop everything (another good reason for you to be the baby-holder), rush to the computer, and type it all down. I appreciate compliments but criticism of any kind will not be tolerated.”

From the editor:

We understand your eagerness to answer this advertisement but you must be aware that the young woman is only fifteen years old and therefore unprepared and unwilling to embark upon the journey of marriage and motherhood at present. If you leave your name on the list you’ll be notified of future developements.*

Please sign here: _______________

*Note: waiting period may be up to ten years.

Me: an Elvis performance artist (NOT an Elvis impersonator) who likes actuarial tables and reading ‘for dummies’ books.

You: a female Elvis performance artist (Elvis impersonators need not even exist, let alone apply). who likes the wild side of life. let’s make a couple fried peanut butter sandwiches and maybe compare toy car collections, if you know what I mean.

1) You should be able to cook edible food. No sea creatures, unless they have fins AND gills. I may be finicky, but I love food. Put the right stuff in front of me...and we'll get along mighty fine.

2) Be a teacher. You will have the excellent honour to teach me things, especially some CRAZY tricks. Will it be safe? Well...uh...It will be fun.

3) You must be able to play the violin, saxophone, trombone, piano, and guitar. In return for your musical services paid to me (nightly), I will sing for you daily. (And no, you have no say in me singing, because I WILL sing every day, and you will never be able to shut me up).

4) Be ready to accept all of my eccentricity. Also, know that my idiolect is heavily influenced by what I read and watch; provide me with what you'd rather wish to hear.

5) Know that I want a beautiful, flourishing garden. But, you will have to remind me of it often. No, not about my dream, but of actually tending to the garden.

6) Find a way for me to have terrific Internet and a way to evade bills. Yes, you may never mention anything about bills whilst I am in hearing range, you hear?

7) Do all the chores, except the dishwashing machine. I'll help by sweeping every now and then when I'm stressed (you'll make sure that I don't get stressed, right?). The rest of the work...is yours.