.

there is gold painting your shattered veins

because even in the darkest of nights stars still linger

expanding in your bloodstream

filling you to the brim

with light so fragile, so tender

mmm... until it slowly ( yes, so slowly ) till it reaches the sides

of your contrasting soul

it’s in your cells, child

inhale it

( you know you’re home )

swallow those stars, threat them in rhythm

devour it like a low humming ( it melts, it’s sticky )

so warm, that it drips in sunsets

it reaches your skin . bronze freckles counted in your heartbeats

silver in moonlit longings

and gold orbs on the edge of the sun

how can you resist it ( feel the calm ) baby, embrace it

a long forgotten memory

of warm skin tasting of light and honey

blooming in your mind

.

I know that you feel guilty

I know you feel ashamed

I know you feel the demise;

has only you to blame.

I know you would've changed it

I know you would've tried

I know you couldn't go on,

with all the pain you felt inside.

I know you wanted forgiveness

I know you wanted to call

I know you wanted to take back

all the times you dropped the ball.

I know you always loved me

I know you never lost the hope

I know you'll live forever in my heart;

Dad, I wanted you to know.

I just want you to know

that I'll always be here.

No matter how hard you try

to push me away,

I'll always stay.

If you want to try again,

just know that I do too.

i wanted to tell you

that night we spent in your dads pick up

with the stars above us and dew drops below

i traced the words along the skin between your wrist and elbow

hoping you couldn’t read brail

earlier that morning

we had sat and soaked in the sun underneath the delicate green leaves of the woods

you brought berries and a blanket and i brought cherries

you told me your favorite song and taught me the words and then we both cried

it reminded you of your mom

she left a while back

you still missed her after six years

she never gave a reason why

i didn’t know what to do so i grabbed your hand and pressed my lips against your knuckles

and kissed away the tears on your cheek

they were salty

but your lips were sweet

they tasted like raspberries

you told me the skin on my neck tasted like strawberries

and you left marks like cherries

we got back in your dads pick up and drove till the sun began to slip

then we parked in a field of tall grass and watched it all fade to black

In our Social Emotional Learning class, we went around in a circle to say our insecurities in the form of "I want you to know." And so it began:

I want you to know that I never feel good enough.

I want you to know that I never want to be called dumb again because of my learning accomadation.

I want you to know that I never feel good about my body, that I am always too fat or too skinny.

I want you to know that for a year I suffered with anxiety, but I couldn't get help because my mom doesn't believe in mental illness.

I want you to know that ever since I was in elementary school, I told myself that I was bisexual, that I would end up marrying a man when I grew up so my mom would be happy. For all that time, I was lying to myself.

I want you to know that I never want to hear people's intelligence being determined by their academic excellence.

I want you to know that my brother has always been judged because of his autism, but he is no lesser than the rest of us.

I want you to know that I feel like no matter how hard I try and work, I will never reach my parents' expectations.

I want you to know that I never want to hear being called a "fat elephant."

I want you to know that sometimes I cry myself to sleep.

And we all stood there, crying and hugging.

I want you to know that I'm not ignoring you. I'm not giving you the silent treatment. I'm not at a loss for words most of the time. I forget. I get trapped in my own world. Sometimes all I want to do is escape this world I created. I am screaming to get out but I'm stuck.

I'm not lazy. People think I am. Truth is, I enjoy my job. To a certain degree, I enjoy housework. I want to work. But my mind keeps pushing it to my short term memory; keeps pushing me into this world. Sometimes I cannot escape.

This world is fun, normally. I play. Do what makes me happy. See lots of people. But there are times, those times I can't escape, I become sad, helpless.

People don't like me. I cannot pay attention to more than one thing at a time, and yet, I notice all things at all times. People yell and get mad. They tell me I am lazy. They say I will not be great.

Listen, I want you to know I have ADHD. It is hard for me. I work very hard to do little things. People do not know most of the time. But I want us to be friends. So, if you text, or call, I'm not ignoring you. I merely got stuck in my world.

The buzz of cidades brings a sound to the summer’s heat. The late afternoon heat shines down on where you lay on the hardwood floor next to me. My legs draped softly over your back as I stare up at the ceiling. Your elbows propped under you as you turn the page of your book. Thin beads of sweat collect themselves at the nape of my neck as I contemplate the comfortable stillness.

“I love you.”

The warmth in the air is reflected in your eyes as you glance away from your book to meet mine. The ghost of a smile crosses your face as you open it to say a simple, “alright.” 

You roll your head away from me and flip another page. My gaze lingers on you for one moment longer before returning to the ceiling above us.

“...I just wanted you to know.”

I wonder how your doing

Did you ever get out of that town

Or did you decide to stay just to burn it down ?

I wonder if your hands still burn

From pulling others out of flames

Not realizing you were the one

Who needed to be saved

I wonder if you still think of me

When your lost in your thoughts

Or when you’ve had to many shots

I wanted you to know

That you still cross my mind

though I’ve tried to forget you that I swear

You will always be an unmended tear.

I wanted you to know that I grew a third elbow

And my big toe fell off and was eaten by a bird

This really got to be some new kind of low

My vision’s become all spotty and blurred

Maybe tomorrow I’ll  finally go see the doc

But first I wanted to share all this with you

For our daily surgery and ailment talk

Now I’m off to check on Ed - he’s got the flu.