You may not know me, but I know you. I know about your life, and I can relate. Your dad flew away to Colorado when you were seven. You dad has a new family down there, one that you are not a part of, one that you will never be a part of. Well, my father did the same. He left when my sister and I were young, and started his own family. Growing up it was hard to watch him be there for my half sister every day of her life, when in mine he only visited some days. I would ask myself as a child, Where is he going? Why did he have to leave? I miss him still, especially now that I don't see him often, and since he is so busy with my half sister and stepmom. Some nights my heart twists and turns like it is about to burst because I miss him. Sometimes I feel broken, and wonder all the possible reasons why he left. Was it because of me? There were times when I felt angry. Angry that he chose another life over my sister and I. But God has shown me what it is to love. To love even when your heart seems to be cut open with a knife, piercing you relentlessly, twisting and turning. But God loves everyone, even me, a sinner. And if God can forgive me and all the things I've done, then why can't I forgive others? It may be hard, but let me tell you, Evan Hansen, I am glad I chose love. 

let's try this, we say, like we do with the boys, but with each other this time. undo the buttons on my shirt one at a time, then trace the lines of my new bra, cupping my breasts, spanning my waist, cradling, rocking, tongues-in-each-others-cheeks, pin me down and don't let me go until you give me a thousand kisses.

but we're just drunk on each other and the wild night, after all. you and i aren't...we'll go back to our boyfriends in the morning and everything will be normal, normal, normal. surely we are just trying to shock our friends. we don't feel this way. we can't.

but in the morning we will look at each other across the hall and we will say nothing but we will both know. the next time he is making you hot and cold with the rhythm of his breath you will think of the time we spent together and you will know. and the next time i fantasize about your wild limbs i will know.

everyone knows but no one knows what to do about it.

Fibonacci gilds my way

Triangulating in;

The mainspring tightens with Hell to pay

For mortgaging Original Sin.

Half of half and halved once more,

Infinitesimally,

I shrink toward that dark offshore

Cardiovascularly.

My end will come when nothing is left,

But nothing is unstable;

So erupts anew, of rules, bereft,

My next forthcoming fable.

Ninety-degree turn at the speed of light

I'm off the number line

And dance macabre in my new flight

Of unfettered redesign.

The voice arose under my head

         As I reclined on top my bed

    "You aren't the only one he wed!"

  My face turned angry shades of red

         Before the morn he will be dead!

I confess!

There, I said it

Oh what a mess

I do admit

What I've done

It's terrible

To you, my only one

Your pain, not bearable

For I am why

Your ass is now stuck

It was I

Who left the toilet seat up

The sweet scent,

of white lilies,

mixed with briny tears,

brings me back,

from the future,

through all the years.

I remember now, 

all those silly,

helplessly inevitable fears.

I can still see,

the ugly reflection

of myself in a maze mirrors.

I know of the disease,

that killed millions,

because there wasn't cures.

All the lovely ladies,

and humble gentleman,

plus all the good-hearted dears,

all clock-work, 

but someone stuck

a stick in the winding gears.

The screams of pain,

the cries of anguish,

being all ones ear hears.

The quick flash,

of flickering life,

as a painful death nears.

But suddenly, 

after your gone,

a flame of life peers,

through the darkness, 

into your heart,

and the world around you disappears.

You realize then,

it was all a dream,

and there's happiness to your tears.

Smiles and laughter make up the day.

I'm efficient, productive, and fun they say.

Everything's going right.

Though, try as I might;

Behind my upbeat laugh and smile,

There are times I think I'm suicidal.

Visions of driving off bridges or walking into a busy street,

I breath slowly and deeply. I will not give into defeat.

I am successful, I am loved, I am treasured.

I am challenged, I am happy and yet, also severed...

There's a disconnect between my outer me and my inner me.

So much so I feel like I must be an anomaly.

But when I read about people with depression,

I feel a huge weight in my chest begin to lessen.

I'm normal, I don't need to have reasons to feel how I feel.

I realize that in my own time, I can begin to heal.