amber is pog
were you really there?
i touched her close
brought her in against the will of my fingertips, cradled in the curvature of her back,
seeped into valleys, twisting themselves into the ridges of her spine.
i'm trickling down her,
bound to her frame,
trapped in her form.
in the beginning is the end.
look towards the skyline, trapped in discord, billows of pinks and crimson overlapping floods of ink and speckled stars.
but i am held in the silence, prisoner to the space between the ground and the sky,
slipping my fingers from the gritted hold of the soil,
and it feels like I’m flying.
my bones untangle, and crash, click, fold and unfold themselves with yours,
the puzzle that entraps, the fevers in my dreams, the gold through the tulip tips,
it’s all the same to me.
it feels all alike; a plateau at climax, the sun that never sets
and i wonder—at what point did it all stop?
at what point did the earth complete its rotation for the final time,
did the wave crumble in the sand
did the moon grace its light atop the weeping trees,
for the world to end, and leave itself nothing but a piece of you, left in the stars
folded in the clouds;
at what point did i wish for an ending?
i’m curling to your will, wilting in your touch, collapsed and turned inside-out so that my organs face the sky,
when did it all become so incredibly loud?
if it were possible to pin-point the destination on the map, trace out the journey, burn scars along each road and mark out each stop,
would i find where it ends,
— or begins?
because in the beginning is the end,
where the skyline stretches thin and the ground blossoms from the earths beating heart,
where the waves warp themselves to the curves of the cliffs,
where my lips meet yours
—and it all ends.
were you really there,
or had it just begun?
″ HAPPINESS ”
it feels like death follows her every move
wind against skin, lost in the dark of midnight, the wind that makes the smell of the death feel like home.
a serene ambience where sound is muffled out. the movement of water in the harbour
as she stands on the hill onlooking like some kind of higher power.
we’re alive
we’re alive
sat wondering why we’re here
lovely dreams of escaping to foreign land and spending the rest of her days in a small village off the coast.
far, far away from everything and everyone.
we’re alone
we’re alone
yet we are brought back
cutting her body in familiar ways
in ways the remind her of freedom or perhaps control
we’re hurt
we’re hurt
troubled children we have no right to want to die
lives perfect and laid out in straight and neat ways because this is happiness
when formalities are obeyed because in their eyes she can't possibly love her?
or we can be lost and found at once and be left fucking dead in the arms of past lovers
we’re dying
we’re dying
young children they don’t understand the consequences of their actions
and did they stand there alone wishing for the wind once more
because they're capable of a future in which the wind isn’t needed. we have money and security.
we're safe
we're safe
did you pray at night
for a returned soul without a receipt?
because we can’t escape now
this is our fate
we’re happy
we’re happy
and yet we’re still left wondering if life is a curse or a blessing.
we're a curse
we're a blessing
″ HOME ”
and it feels like we’re holding our breath. as though we’re underwater screaming. “help us” we say. souls crimson coloured against straight horizons. they're taking our hearts out, with curled fingertips against petrol stained boats and thrashing mountains of dead snow. plains of emptiness against dimming skylines, glimmers of light barely visible "we're here".
searing days and icy nights. this is the land of the free they say. bodies lay numb around bloodied hysteria and distant voices of our fathers "i'm proud of you" rehashed like a prayer they say in absent eyes. steady burst of ice it burns, it burns. i feel the bitter taste of tongue versus tongue and disembodied screams against sand afloat.
let the grasp of the night suffocate us. we're just children across no mans land, left monumental dreams and wishes and mothers kissing foreheads who sing goodnight. ignorant children against adult worlds with hands held, undefeatable. i can feel the ice and fear and death and worry around us. miles from home we walk ahead, innocence sugar-coated like dead meat. "we're ok, we're ok" said in crackling voices and hacking coughs. diminished worries covered in im sorry im sorry. soldiers we are. we know the way.
those who do not deserve help will not receive regardless of our cries. perhaps we're the unlucky ones in a forsaken world.
i want to go home.
could this ever be home?
lovers like rain
a garden of roses
and children sitting there for many mornings crying tears that make rainy days rainier.
sunny days past and hands drenched in snow and blood
lips touch hers ice cold, heart and skin.
kiss on nose neck collar bone breast forehead and all of the above
wilting roses againsts rain and fog and nights under gloomy windows
lit by fireplaces.
finger touch glass and paint words that spell ‘i love you’ backwards
bodies against backs in dark rooms
hands held against layer of soft fabric.
pitter patter goes rain bitter batter against windows and walls
lightning flashes illumintating midnight moods and dried flowers on the wall next to the reflection of passing cars
back are the days of rain and tears
and screams of cars and families
men young and old drip tears of pain
and lovers of every kind
damn i love the rain.
sleep
disconnect
and a body distant
those who i care for so much
nothing in a distance of dust and fog
minds absent
does my body have a soul?
am i just nothing?
is something wrong with me?
why do i feel this way?
i can’t feel today
the joy of friends and fun
a distant memory in the present
so close yet so far from reach
a flashback of life...
i guess i could describe it like that?
a feeling of being dead
a feeling of nothing
no feeling
just absence
and sadness
a dark looming cloud over life
following every step
i wonder
will i ever be free?
why do i feel this way
cold
and bitter
thoughts overbearing reality
i want to go back to sleep.
i want to wake from this constant dream
or perhaps nightmare?
am i even here
do i even feel
do i even exist
i miss life
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
(forgive for dodgy write - it’s like 2am lol~~i was in a weird mood and felt like writing and uploading some stuff ://)
I.
skin clings to bone
mind stick thought and toxins
of pills and tears and bloody razors
face now ranges of snowy fear and dead men once
loved by young and old
many dead across lumps and bumps and deteriorating flesh
broken love and souls
her face in minds now gone distant
far from reach from her warm
gentle embrace
-11 lbs. later
thinner days come with fatter nights
clenching to phones and numbers
bathroom doors and wrists
memories of times and loves flushed in the toilet
and minds full of closed off darkness
please conceal
i beg of you
no one can save now
death is imminent and accepted
never will experience ever lead to hands un-held
lips untouched and intelligence unlearnt
selfish are actions that cause pain and fear
grasping to thick thighs of hers and mine
deceased bodies laying untouched
beams of hope
shutters closed
i look now unto her
cheek touch cheek
bone touch regret
perhaps it's too late to go back
to unheard nights
and glasses full of daisies
and cigarettes by moonlight
eyelids now shut
black like nights
i see stars of your presence in distances beyond
i grasp
i don't grab
goodbye.
will love last?
5:37am
on thursday morning
wrapping my fingers around yours
folding our hands together
like
delicate origami
connecting those loose wires
dancing into the crashing waves
under the cool moonlight
pressing our bodies into each other
feeling the thump of your heart
and your scent
of fresh fruit
and lemon
filling my nose
did i tell you how happy it made me feel?
i loved the feeling of always wanting to see your face
as i loved calling your name joyfully whenever i saw you
and seeing the smile spread across your face
damn did it make me feel wanted
the salty water continued to splash up against our thighs
as we waltzed deeper in
toppling over into incoming waves
laughing and spitting out water
i remember your face so well
as we sat there
laughing
and crying
slowly leaning in
as you pulled my body closer
until our lips
pressed against one another
with the sun slowly rising on the horizon
enveloped by the darkness of the ocean
like the world had stopped
and what was left of us
was the shoes left in the car
and the surrounding sounds of sirens and cries
i miss you
the flickering white street lamp light on your face
looked so
beautiful
the sound of your breathing
watching the warm air amidst the cold fog
the warm touch of your finger
lightly caressing my hand
as we awkwardly grasped for each other
the sound of your stressed voice
calling through the night
venting our issues
because together
we could get through it
the hum in the distance
as the stars twinkled above us
looking over us and protecting
such a special moment
the sounds of our footsteps
synced
reassuring ourselves
that we were together
and together
we could break through the barriers
of
hopelessness
worthlessness
***
the tightening around my throat
stopping in my tracks
because i could no longer move
knowing that your presence
was simply in the past
but it's ok
i can wait
because i know
the warmth of your soul
walking next to me
when i see you once more
will make this all
worthwhile
when it all gets too much
when it all gets too much
turn the lights off
step into the blistering shower
let the fog fill the room
and stand
letting the water pound your useless body
and when no one is around
sob
sob
sob
let go of all your mistakes
let it drown with all the other water droplets
take as long as you want
because no one is there to see
who cares about what you look like now
let it become uncontrollable
fuck it
just explode
wipe your hand across the shower door
write down mistakes
regrets
promises
things you're grateful for
there will always be something
and if you can't find one
you're not looking hard enough
breathe over the glass
let it all disappear
and once your tears are gone
step out
open a window
door
anything
let the fog disappear
and the cold air
pierce your skin for a moment or two
before drying youself
compose yourself
step out of the bathroom
take a deep breath
you're ready to put your mask back on
and do it all again
natsukashi; nostalgic
maybe i was wrong
to overthink
what you meant
what we
meant.
when you would sit alone
blinded in the
white light of the
convenience store
let me tell you
that
i loved you
and you
loved me
when you would close your eyes
and stare into the abyss of
black
did you think
of me
because i thought of you.
what ever happened to lying under starry nights,
grasping for what wasn't there
smiling together for the first time in weeks
because the night was
special
and us?
special
the grass dancing in the brisk wind
lightly caressing our warm bodies
pressed
to the ground
pushed down
together
when you looked over
the ancient wood in your
eyes
that gleamed in the dark
and made the world seem
even the smallest bit
lighter
you would pretend
and dont get me wrong, i would too
that we didnt notice our hands
slowly
grasping each other
fingers intertwined, tightening, sweating
sweat that poured from our bodies
souls
hearts
combined and shut closed
stuck in our palms, mixed
with the blood and
tears of the past
when we
were not one together, combined
but two
a seperate two, distant
when all we felt was empty
and desire
for destruction and death
but together
as i watch you sit at your desk in the orange sunlight
waiting for the final ring of
the bell
with the small piece of paper next to me
that was bursting so much
you couldn't bare to wait any longer
until the bell did ring
and when i opened
its scented folds
i knew
i loved you
but that
was old
and a new was waiting
around the corner
for we weren't in highschool forever
and eventually
our short lived love
would slowly
sink
to the bottom of the muddy river
its ink spread
scattered
and your hand
grasping its aged paper
shattering at the simple touch of your
warm fingers
once in my embrace
now burnt cold
and gone
dead, numb
your skin growing paler by the minute
and your love
faded
gone
ha
how nostalgic