My name was John,

I used to be proud.

I wore my pride like a badge.

I had so much,

I now have so little.

I work,

but my arms are weights,

my legs grow heavy,

I'm hungry.

I scream,

the pain pushes outward...

growling, growing, gnawing.

My stomach churns,

I CURSE, I CRY, I SCREAM

I move forward but I fall backward.

I strive for more and settle for less.

Someone calls me lazy,

and my eyes water at the slur.

Someone calls me crazy...

for calling this box home,

but it's all I can call my own.

I'M HUNGRY...

I'M HUNGRY,

I'm dying

My eyes touch yours

Do you understand, can you understand

I'm not asking for pity, only a hand

I'm hungry, alone and worn.

I've no money, no home,

No place where I belong.

I work at a car wash,

when I'm not sick,

if it doesn't rain,

when I can stand the pain

I can't afford to pay rent.

You can't trust a shelter and I'm so afraid

I'll wake up dead and alone.

Can't you understand

I saw my dignity slip, like sand,

through my hands.

I'm crying, I'm dying

and I'm not the only one.

My name was John

but you can call me brother.

I could die, but I don’t care

How could I when reality sets in

And I realize how little time I have left

How little time before I belong

To someone else

I could die, but I don’t care

Because the adrenaline makes me feel

Superhuman

I know I’m not

But that’s part of the fun

My mortality keeps me going

Keeps me pushing forward

Because these knees won’t be good forever

And someday my long hair

Will turn gray and coarse

I could die, but I don’t care

Because when I’m gone I won’t feel

The pain of a heartbreak

Or a scraped up knee

But those I leave behind

Will remember my free arms

Raised to the sky

Living for myself

Or a couple of risky late nights

I could die, but I don’t care

Because I’m leaving behind

A good story

To whom I sincerely wish could have been be "the one,"

I’m so over you. I've practice this lie in the bathroom mirror, changing the delivery slightly each time. A constructed truth. I choose to focus on the realities of the statement to ease my conscience. I’m so over this tired, one sided life. But not you. I could never get over someone who never hurt me. Never wronged me. I’m so over the rhythm of my life. The way things could line up perfectly if the timing was a little different. I’m so over listening to your playlists late into the night to try to feel closer to you and the things I will never understand. I’m so over waiting for someone there are no guarantees will come back for me, and the worst part is that I couldn’t even blame you if you didn’t. Because I’m not your problem, and you have no idea how much I wish I were. I’m so over these past few months of uncertainty and constant ups and downs. I’m so over constantly ending up with “he loves me not” far more often than “he loves me”… but you? I don’t even want to get over you. So I don't think I ever will. And I will always be sorry I never told you all the thoughts in my head. I think I could have helped you. But it feels like it's too late now. I'm so over not gaining the confidence to speak up until it's too late. I'm sorry.

The girl you never got to know

I never wanted to be a mom

But then I held you in my arms.

All my worries became very real,

But you couldnt know how I feel.

I buried them down and held on

Until I woke up and you were gone.

Nurses were gentle to break the news

But it didn’t stop the pain and blues.

I’d escaped my land to give you a home

And now I’m here, broke, and all alone.

For months I wandered in a haze

Sloely navigating grief stage by stage.

Once I hit acceptance, I met Ivan

Who encouraged me to keep on fighting.

We wed and are now expecting a girl

Though I still wish you were in thid world.

They helped me see you had set me free

So I have mourned and you can rest in peace.

i notice more often the moments in which

i am insidiously human

drowning myself in distractions and

running on a treadmill

away from nothing at all.

my movements become automatic

from folding the laundry to fucking

action X leads me from A to B,

and there seems to be no soul there

until I make it so.

god is there a point to this?

does it really matter

if a person is aware of

how their life unfolds?

where does that obsession come from

that need in us for meaning

which ropes some into fantasies

and makes some others hate them?

nothing in nature can ever be wrong

until a human being sees it

and smatters the landscape with words and perceptions

which makes them more digestible

cuz to control the imperceptible

is the only thing we want

right?

No experience necessary to fix this meal,

by the time you finish, you'll think, "What a deal!"

Ground beef, oregano, basil, and thyme,

blend well, and in the meantime,

spaghetti noodles barely cook,

almost as soft as a page from a book.

Drain the noodles, let cool, is best to be found,

then take the ground beef, wrapping it all around.

Place a skillet on the stove, get it hot, but slow and steady,

then brown the meat on all sides when ready.

The oven should be at 350,

the temp will produce something nifty,

Make four or more, your choice to decide,

Eventually all this food, your belly will hide.

Take one pan, place the items therein,

covered in sauce, blended with cheese, the aroma will make you grin.

Place in the oven for three-quarters of an hour,

the smell alone on you it will overpower.

Add extra things if you like,

tomatoes, mushrooms garlic, wine, but not a children's bike.

When finished take a pair of tongs to lift out,

place on a plate, spoon over the sauce, you will like the layout.

**********************************************************

Simply put:

Do not cook the spaghettie noodles all the way through, just enough where

they are moist but not soft-soft. Take your ground beef once the noodles

have cooled enough and fold the meat over the noodles to form a complete seal.

Brown the meat all the way around in a skillet. Then bake for 45 minutes.

You can add the above items mentioned as well as red, yellow and green cut peppers.

Pour whatever is your favorite sauce over top, add grated cheese and then diced tomatoes.

Remove and plate once finished baking with tongs, then spoon out or ladle sauce in baking pan over the top of the meal.

I once had a friend who said, this is like one giant meatball dipped in sauce. I laughed and said, "Yeah."

Average prep and cook time: 1 hour 10 minutes.

The picture above shows what it looks like fresh from the oven.