Do you know what it's like

to feel

like dirt?

to feel

so insignificant

so disgusting

so useless?

dryed up

and hardened

like a ball of clay

crumbling

under the slightest

p r e s s u r e

drained from the constant

h e a t

of life?

It's okay to feel this way,

(the earth holds so much dirt and without it we wouldn't be able to grow beauty)

it will get better trust me.

But

just know

that you are not

a l o n e

and that

we all feel

like

d i r t

sometimes

(remember: you have the dirt, now all you need is the water (a helping hand), and a sunny day, to grow something truly breathtaking)

I had a dream once that I was walking on stepping stones and seemingly going around in circles but I eventually ended up where I needed to be.

I awoke with a profound sense of understanding that has been hard to explain. I seriously feel that dream was my subconscious telling me a secret about life.

There is no bottom. There is no up. There are no straight lines. There is just the continued walking on a winding path, from one moment to the next, stepping stones in the cycle of life that finally connect to help you reach your journey’ s end.

A philosopher once said “life can only be understood looking backwards”.. but it takes time to get to that vantage point.

So keep going, as you don’t know where the next stepping stone will take you and as a great poet once wrote “the best way out is always through ”.

I am red clay

dissolving in puddles

from acid rain tears

forming frowns

from myriad struggles

molded by brittle fingers

creating new dawn

snippets of hope

fragments of life

shaped from splinters

I become

my own artist

forging my destiny

It’s

best

not to

linger on

the surreal abyss

growing outside

your door.

Breathe a little.

Your lungs

seek indulgence

before

the battering

of the storm.

And as the horizon

darkens,

and the method

to your madness

walks out,

you are

left

to the innocence

of your past

when

everything was possible

and the negative

never shadowed.

But now,

you know.

You know

the truth

your mind

concedes.

Everything is still possible.

#poetry

When my heart is melancholy

my spirit black and heavy

I am uplifted by

the beauty that

surrounds me:

the golds and greens

of a spring day

the reds and oranges

of fall

the cloudless blues

of summer

the blinding white

of winter.

I need only

look up

look out

emerge

from the fog

of misery

that envelops me

to find

solace in

the colors

of nature:

god’s most

beautiful painting.

So hard to say, because everyone is different. I can suggest doing the one thing you love the most, or confiding in the person you trust most.

Do something that engages you with the world. Volunteer. Exercise. Join a group.

But I would also say to take it slow. You wouldn’t run a marathon without working your way up (Sorry, I like running metaphors :P). So don’t try to spring back all at once, or you might burn out all over, again. This ain’t the movies.

Be good to yourself, and don’t beat yourself up about being down. Happens to everyone. Talk about it. Write about it. Rant and have a breakdown if you want. Whatever it takes to work through it.

There’s this whole cult of positivity out there, and it can make someone feel guilty about having any bad feelings at all. Like there’s something wrong with them. I say don’t listen to that. Listen to your own body and feelings.

Hope this helps. Sending good vibes. ^_^

When I was nineteen, my therapist gave me a binder. And in it was papers. Papers that were supposed to turn the mind. Create radical acceptance. And even change brain chemistry.

All for the better, of course. I put that binder away and forgot about it.

Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) comes with a lot of bells and whistles. But when I'm feeling low, or like I'm hitting rock bottom, I take out that binder. And I review.

Turn the mind.

There are a lot of things this could mean. I take this to mean turning away from negative emotions. Riding a bike. Taking a hot shower. Texting a friend. Basically, distracting yourself. I make a list for something important, ranking all the positives and negatives for how to act on it.

I do this thing where I pretend to "pick up" my negative emotion and put it behind me, literally. I brush it away. That can come later. At that point, I am "turning my mind" away from the negative.

Radical acceptance.

This one is very meta. Typically, a guy will reject me, and my immediate thoughts are that I'm worthless, unloveable, and disgusting. I'm incapable of holding down a romantic relationship. But if I look at it from above (nothing religious about this), separate from my emotions, I realize that this is just one insignifcant setback. Sure, guys sometimes don't like me, and I need to accept that. That's reality, part of life. Not everyone is going to get your particular brand of magic, and that's ok.

Change brain chemistry.

Eventually, in relearning how to respond to emotional moments, DBT will change how your brain responds to traumatic experiences. It will make you think about them in a different, new light. You'll leave the victim mentality and focus on the here and now.

I'm just a week away from turning twenty-eight. And that binder? Out. Out and proud.

Rock bottom is a mentality, emotions are transcient.

They are the clay. And they will mold you however you see fit.

I'm not sure how helpful it is for me to answer this, because I have a curse called bipolar disorder. It essentially forces me to go from the lowest of lows to the highest of highs without much caring how I feel about it.

That's not to say people with bipolar disorder can't also face suicidal depression, or are not at risk for it; it's a spectrum, like anything, and everyone's experience is different. But in my experience, if I allow my brain to stay at depression levels too long it'll get sick of my shit and say "Hey, time for something different" - then I'll flip into what they term a "manic episode", where I will literally feel like a god and make horribly irresponsible decisions until I'm sedated and my brain chemistry resets.

I've only hit this point in my life once (thank god), and it taught me two things: 1) I have some killer self-preservation programming, and that's okay 2) When I don't take care of myself, other people suffer for it.

The second of those realizations is what spurred me to get myself back together. My family has tried their whole lives to raise me to be happy and healthy. I have parents, siblings, a partner, and friends who really care about me. It's not about the numbers of them, because honestly it only takes a handful; but when I think about how my actions impact them - or how awful it would be if I did something stupid and got myself killed - then I realize that my existence isn't just my own.

I am a supporting character in other people's lives. I provide laughter, comfort, and comraderie. I don't have much choice in my role, but as a berserker I won't go down easy; it'll take a lot piled on to bring me to my knees. That also means I can take on more when needed. If my friends need someone to dump / vent to, I can handle it. When life gets shitty and those I love need help, I won't give up. I can be the person others can depend on because I literally can't quit, I can only go insane (for better or worse).

That said, my weakness is that I can't transfer this curse to anyone else. It's not like I can bite somebody and turn them into some biochemically-induced emotional barbarian. I've had several loved ones suffer from suicidal depression; I've nearly lost some, and lost at least one. It is heart wrenching. No matter how hard I try, or even literally beg, it feels like I can't help or do anything to make it better.

I've had to accept over the years that no matter how much I try, it's up to people to find their own will to go on. They have to find the spark inside themselves; I can't force them. It makes me feel hollow, like a revenant doomed to watch those around them fall while fighting alone in the darkness, until something finally takes me down.

If I could give any advice, it would be to look to your adventuring party. You may not think you have one, but you do. There will always be someone whose life is brighter with you in it. Life is a co-operative game; we all play it together. When you need support reach out to them - don't let them lose you without a fight.

Because it's lonely fighting on in the darkness.

And your light is not something that can ever be replaced.

It doesn't hit often, this feeling I get

but when it does, it's like its making

up for lost time...

This feeling of helplessness

of being so empty that you

can't love yourself

and then it hits,

these unjustifiable tears

that pour like

a faucet

draining...

and after

when your eyes

are husks and the

winds begins to take them

the only feeling is this empiness

that still consumes you and you feel

unloved and unworthy of the love people

have for you that you can't seem to feel

anymore, try as you might every step is leaden

which contadicts how you feel so you sleep

and when two or three days go by with no rest

from these induced emotional slumbers, you get up

and turn the shower on and the cold water feels

so good from the heat and salt of your eyes

that you almost cry tears of happiness

from the emptiness that is washing

away down your face and into the

drain...

And you look at yourself as the scent of

soap and water fill your senses giving

you hope, hope that this feeling

doesn't come again at least

for a while

and you

want to

start

a new....

from the cold cleansing

..hitting bottom

clay turns

solid...

...into

Bedrock

...

Lithified

we lie...

with what hopes and

goodbyes...

...tied to

our four post frame

of Time...

So rake the clay

fate gave...

and wedge

it well betwixt

chance and success...

between Life and

whatever so

happens next...

Before heaven

and hell...

Scrape it

shape it...

and then

kiln me...

and kiln

me well.

06.12.20

Clay... help me! challenge @Adin