Growing a Beautiful Life/Flower
Do you know what it's like
like a ball of clay
under the slightest
p r e s s u r e
drained from the constant
h e a t
It's okay to feel this way,
(the earth holds so much dirt and without it we wouldn't be able to grow beauty)
it will get better trust me.
that you are not
a l o n e
we all feel
d i r t
(remember: you have the dirt, now all you need is the water (a helping hand), and a sunny day, to grow something truly breathtaking)
The best way out.
I had a dream once that I was walking on stepping stones and seemingly going around in circles but I eventually ended up where I needed to be.
I awoke with a profound sense of understanding that has been hard to explain. I seriously feel that dream was my subconscious telling me a secret about life.
There is no bottom. There is no up. There are no straight lines. There is just the continued walking on a winding path, from one moment to the next, stepping stones in the cycle of life that finally connect to help you reach your journey’ s end.
A philosopher once said “life can only be understood looking backwards”.. but it takes time to get to that vantage point.
So keep going, as you don’t know where the next stepping stone will take you and as a great poet once wrote “the best way out is always through ”.
I am red clay
dissolving in puddles
from acid rain tears
from myriad struggles
molded by brittle fingers
creating new dawn
snippets of hope
fragments of life
shaped from splinters
my own artist
forging my destiny
the surreal abyss
Breathe a little.
of the storm.
And as the horizon
and the method
to your madness
to the innocence
of your past
everything was possible
and the negative
Everything is still possible.
When my heart is melancholy
my spirit black and heavy
I am uplifted by
the beauty that
the golds and greens
of a spring day
the reds and oranges
the cloudless blues
the blinding white
I need only
from the fog
that envelops me
So hard to say, because everyone is different. I can suggest doing the one thing you love the most, or confiding in the person you trust most.
Do something that engages you with the world. Volunteer. Exercise. Join a group.
But I would also say to take it slow. You wouldn’t run a marathon without working your way up (Sorry, I like running metaphors :P). So don’t try to spring back all at once, or you might burn out all over, again. This ain’t the movies.
Be good to yourself, and don’t beat yourself up about being down. Happens to everyone. Talk about it. Write about it. Rant and have a breakdown if you want. Whatever it takes to work through it.
There’s this whole cult of positivity out there, and it can make someone feel guilty about having any bad feelings at all. Like there’s something wrong with them. I say don’t listen to that. Listen to your own body and feelings.
Hope this helps. Sending good vibes. ^_^
Shaping the Clay
When I was nineteen, my therapist gave me a binder. And in it was papers. Papers that were supposed to turn the mind. Create radical acceptance. And even change brain chemistry.
All for the better, of course. I put that binder away and forgot about it.
Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) comes with a lot of bells and whistles. But when I'm feeling low, or like I'm hitting rock bottom, I take out that binder. And I review.
Turn the mind.
There are a lot of things this could mean. I take this to mean turning away from negative emotions. Riding a bike. Taking a hot shower. Texting a friend. Basically, distracting yourself. I make a list for something important, ranking all the positives and negatives for how to act on it.
I do this thing where I pretend to "pick up" my negative emotion and put it behind me, literally. I brush it away. That can come later. At that point, I am "turning my mind" away from the negative.
This one is very meta. Typically, a guy will reject me, and my immediate thoughts are that I'm worthless, unloveable, and disgusting. I'm incapable of holding down a romantic relationship. But if I look at it from above (nothing religious about this), separate from my emotions, I realize that this is just one insignifcant setback. Sure, guys sometimes don't like me, and I need to accept that. That's reality, part of life. Not everyone is going to get your particular brand of magic, and that's ok.
Change brain chemistry.
Eventually, in relearning how to respond to emotional moments, DBT will change how your brain responds to traumatic experiences. It will make you think about them in a different, new light. You'll leave the victim mentality and focus on the here and now.
I'm just a week away from turning twenty-eight. And that binder? Out. Out and proud.
Rock bottom is a mentality, emotions are transcient.
They are the clay. And they will mold you however you see fit.
I'm not sure how helpful it is for me to answer this, because I have a curse called bipolar disorder. It essentially forces me to go from the lowest of lows to the highest of highs without much caring how I feel about it.
That's not to say people with bipolar disorder can't also face suicidal depression, or are not at risk for it; it's a spectrum, like anything, and everyone's experience is different. But in my experience, if I allow my brain to stay at depression levels too long it'll get sick of my shit and say "Hey, time for something different" - then I'll flip into what they term a "manic episode", where I will literally feel like a god and make horribly irresponsible decisions until I'm sedated and my brain chemistry resets.
I've only hit this point in my life once (thank god), and it taught me two things: 1) I have some killer self-preservation programming, and that's okay 2) When I don't take care of myself, other people suffer for it.
The second of those realizations is what spurred me to get myself back together. My family has tried their whole lives to raise me to be happy and healthy. I have parents, siblings, a partner, and friends who really care about me. It's not about the numbers of them, because honestly it only takes a handful; but when I think about how my actions impact them - or how awful it would be if I did something stupid and got myself killed - then I realize that my existence isn't just my own.
I am a supporting character in other people's lives. I provide laughter, comfort, and comraderie. I don't have much choice in my role, but as a berserker I won't go down easy; it'll take a lot piled on to bring me to my knees. That also means I can take on more when needed. If my friends need someone to dump / vent to, I can handle it. When life gets shitty and those I love need help, I won't give up. I can be the person others can depend on because I literally can't quit, I can only go insane (for better or worse).
That said, my weakness is that I can't transfer this curse to anyone else. It's not like I can bite somebody and turn them into some biochemically-induced emotional barbarian. I've had several loved ones suffer from suicidal depression; I've nearly lost some, and lost at least one. It is heart wrenching. No matter how hard I try, or even literally beg, it feels like I can't help or do anything to make it better.
I've had to accept over the years that no matter how much I try, it's up to people to find their own will to go on. They have to find the spark inside themselves; I can't force them. It makes me feel hollow, like a revenant doomed to watch those around them fall while fighting alone in the darkness, until something finally takes me down.
If I could give any advice, it would be to look to your adventuring party. You may not think you have one, but you do. There will always be someone whose life is brighter with you in it. Life is a co-operative game; we all play it together. When you need support reach out to them - don't let them lose you without a fight.
Because it's lonely fighting on in the darkness.
And your light is not something that can ever be replaced.
It doesn't hit often, this feeling I get
but when it does, it's like its making
up for lost time...
This feeling of helplessness
of being so empty that you
can't love yourself
and then it hits,
these unjustifiable tears
that pour like
when your eyes
are husks and the
winds begins to take them
the only feeling is this empiness
that still consumes you and you feel
unloved and unworthy of the love people
have for you that you can't seem to feel
anymore, try as you might every step is leaden
which contadicts how you feel so you sleep
and when two or three days go by with no rest
from these induced emotional slumbers, you get up
and turn the shower on and the cold water feels
so good from the heat and salt of your eyes
that you almost cry tears of happiness
from the emptiness that is washing
away down your face and into the
And you look at yourself as the scent of
soap and water fill your senses giving
you hope, hope that this feeling
doesn't come again at least
for a while
from the cold cleansing
Mold Me Well
with what hopes and
our four post frame
So rake the clay
it well betwixt
chance and success...
between Life and
Clay... help me! challenge @Adin