I live on a farm. I live on a farm because I love my husband, Charlie. He loves growing things. I'm allergic to everything so I'm not much help with the animals, the orchard or the garden. I work in the city. It's a three hour commute round trip, but I really don't mind the drive. I love my job.

Arnie, not so much.

Arnie, our resident rooster, thinks I am one of his chicks. Every single morning without fail he is waiting for me by the car, ready for battle. Doesn't matter if the sun is below the horizon or well into the sky, if I am heading to work, he is waiting to crow at me and peck my toes. I can't even bribe him to leave me alone.

If Charlie is with me, Arnie is off chasing his hens. But if I'm alone, better be sure my feet are covered. I actually have scars from the early days before I realized who was boss.

You might say, why don't you just get a new rooster. Well, first and foremost, Arnie, loony tune that he is, is family. You don't just replace family when they get on your last nerve. Much as the idea might appeal. No, family is for keeps. More importantly, though Arnie saved my life not long ago.

It was June, and a traveling circus had come to town. They did one show, Saturday night and then were supposed to go on to the next town Sunday morning. Except their star attraction, Ollie the Orangutan in Shining Armour, escaped. The whole town was put on alert, searching for Ollie.

Clearly, I must attract nature's nuttiest creatures because Monday morning, as I was heading to my car, what did I see but Ollie the Orangutan wielding his not so innocent looking sword as he toppled toward me in his medieval armor, helmet askew.

In the same moment I noticed Ollie, Arnie came into view, full speed. He started squawking and pecking at Ollie's non-armor covered feet. Ollie slowed down, waving his sword inelegantly at poor Arnie, spinning and tipping this way and that. I jumped in the car and called the local sheriff, Andy, to tell him we had found Ollie.

By the time the deputies showed up with the circus trainer, Ollie was on his his back, defeated, Arnie on his chest alternately crowing and pecking.

All that to say, Arnie is both family and our hero. He's a keeper.

I just don't wear sandals to work.

I had just got done visiting the Statue of Liberty memorial on the beach, and with sand in my shoes, I headed to my car.

As I approached my car, I noticed that there was one of the well dressed, highly evolved, human like orangutans sitting in the passenger seat, seemingly waiting for me with an Ancient Roman sword.

A necessary, quick digression. The highly evolved orangutans came through a rift in the space/time continuum yesterday during an electrical storm, near the Statue of Liberty memorial.

As I sat in my car, next to this well dressed orangutan for the first time, he looked at me and started to speak, quite eloquently, while tightly gripping his sword.

He said, “Greetings, my name is Dr. Zaius.”

“I’m not sure when or where I am. But I’m looking for a man named Russell Nash.”

oh this is a tricky one.

"would you rather fight a chicken on a daily basis or an orangutan with a sword once a year?"

as for chicken, i have no sympathy for the birds, they are infibetely more intelligent than a turkey but the are also far superior in taste. i have been around farm animals and have no qualms about a good protein the source. i have never needed to kill a chicken but am fairly confident it would be doable. esoecially if i had a daily encounter with one of these fowl . i have had the 'pleasure' of learning to butcher a chicken when one whole bird was delivered to me during the covid lockdown (at a great expense...). it is therefore quite acceptable for me to be assailed by a chicken on a daily basis. fresh meat is expensive after all.

now we get to the urangutan. here we have a zeugma of sort; i should fight an orangutan with a sword?!

it can mean either being presented with sword withwhich to defend myself from an orangutan.

it could also mean that the orangutan would be the one who shall wield a sword as he takes revenge against my kind.

both of these latter possibilities are not appealing.

i consider the obvious sinister manipulation of orangutans, as they pierce my consciousness with hypnotic precision. they have within them great evil, it is clear, and they shall inevitably triumph over us, when our day will come. having said that, i know all too well the legendary prowess of an adult bull, and know that it equalls only their relentless presecution and torment of all who have wronged or harmed them. to be attacked by an ornagutan is an almost gurenteed death sentence, even if they were never presented with a sword. in the unlikely possibility of survival the attack, it is still very likely that other orangutan shall vow vengence. in the end there will be no escape. better to relinquish unto them all that they demand, and beg for clemency .

on the other hand they will not forgive the fact of choosing the chicken over them...

i conclude with a short list of chicken dishes which i constantly welcome:

sweet and sour chicken.

sicuan chicken.

gongbao chixken,

chicken soup,

chicken tanduri

chicken curry,

chicken brianni,

chicken marsala,

fricasse of chicken.

chicken kiev

schnitzel,

chicken cordn bleu,

grilled chicken,

chicken maqlube,

coq au vin

harrisa chicken,

chicken pilaf

chicken tajin with couscous

chicken tika

chicken satai

chilli con pollo

green Thai curry chicken

chicken in honey mustard,

chicken in coconut and lime

chicken in coke,

cajun chicken,

chicken pot pie

chicken 'n dumplings

chicken fajitas

chicken parm

chicken skewer with pineapple and mango

buffalo wings

It pains me to say this, but I'd have to go with the chicken option. I wouldn't enjoy it. It would be like killing a good friend over and over. Dollar-for-dollar, chickens are the cheapest source of animal protein on the planet. They are delicious. They make eggs, which are used to make tons of delicious desserts. I love everything about them, their supple breasts, their tender thighs, their succulent drumsticks. I would never want to hurt the blessed bird of gainz.

But bro, google "orangutan strength". Those things are 5 to 7 times stronger than humans. A sword isn't going to make any difference in a fight against one of those things. While you're trying to figure out which end is pointy, that thing will slam you to the ground and unplug your balls with its teeth. It'll wear your face as a trophy after it tears you limb from limb. A kangaroo would probably be the better animal for this question. They're also way stronger than humans, but a bit less coordinated, so you could almost see yourself winning.

Whereas, if I fight a chicken every day, I'd get used to it, and figure out how to win the fight with minimal effort. And in exchange for that minor inconvenience, I'd get a lifetime of free chicken. It's just common sense.

100% an orangutan once a year with a sword. The last thing I need is to wake up late for work, aggressively brush my teeth and change, sprint to my car to find a chicken ready to peck me to death. The orangutan will happen once a year, on a date that I can prepare for, and trust me...I'd be ready

while once a year is certainly more convenient than every time you get in a car, an orangutan would totally beat me up. even if i had a sword, i don't have the guts to stab another living thing, and i do not want a dead orangutan anywhere near me. I would probably end up just running from my car.

on the other hand, a chicken can easily be shoved out of a car. so chicken it is.

Fighting a chicken every single time I needed to drive would get so old.

and Maaaannnn.

a year would give me so much time to hone my skills with a sword.

I’d be hella ready to cut that orangutan.

Come at me bro.