There's no tomorrow.

There is only hope.

Past conjures sorrow.

The sting of course ropes.

"The road is narrow,"

you coax. As I cope.

Right now you may feel like you are being dragged deeper and deeper into that incredibly sad trench of self-loathing. You are immersed in complete and utter darkness that is so powerful it is almost addictive. It is so easy to give in to it. Deep down you know you need to fight, but you have lost the will to live. You will continue to entertain the thought of death until you get too close for comfort and suddenly decide that you crave the light again. Death is not the answer.

When he died, you felt like part of your soul died too. You do not think you will ever find love again and you want him to wait for you. You promised you would see him again one day soon, but you cannot bring yourself to take that step. You knew when you first met him that he was someone special; that the universe brought him to you for a reason. He was your first true love. First, he was merely a distraction from the guilt and disgust you felt after falling victim to your own string of traumas. What you loved most about him was that he showed you how to confidently be completely and unapologetically yourself, no matter what anyone had to say.

It is impossible to live life with no regrets. There are so many things you wish you had done differently; so many experiences you want to forget, but everything you went through will shape the person you will become in the future. Your first love was toxic, complicated, and extremely bad for your sanity. I want you to know that one day you will wake up and you will be sincerely happy. Someone incredible will find their way into your life and show you how truly magical real love and trust can be. This person will both terrify and ignite you. This person will bequeath to you everything you desire and deserve in life. This person will make you feel like your soul is on fire and you could not put it out even if you wanted to. This person will be selfless, brave, and the thing that you be most grateful for is he will never touch a single drug in his life. You will feel safe and secure, because you will have the confidence that this person will fight to come back to you every single day.

So, you see there is a light at the end of this seemingly endless, dark, and grief-stricken tunnel that you are fighting through right now. Those monsters you are battling every day will soon learn that they have no control over you. In the end you will defeat them. This battle will be strenuous and exhausting, and will seem like it lasts forever, but no matter how desperately you may want to, you will never lay your head down and surrender to the darkness. You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. What I most desperately want to tell you is to be easy on yourself. You were blind. You never thought he would die. In those six years together, you told him so many times that if he did not clean up his shit he would end up in jail or dead, but you never actually believed he would die. He was doomed from the start. His alcoholic mother and dead-beat drug-using father made damn sure that he would never escape the demons that plagued that family. But you know what? You were the light in his life. Today, I understand that he was not a bad person. He was an exceptionally good person who was born from troubling circumstances, and YOU made his life worth living. He may be gone from your sight and your touch, but he will never leave your heart and he is undoubtedly watching over you. Today, he is happy to see that I am still alive and trying my absolute best to become the best version of myself possible.

I implore you to keep going. No matter how impossible the victory may seem, keep pushing and fighting every day until the day comes when it hurts less, and life seems a bit more beautiful than it did the day before. Once you pass that milestone, you will feel the heaviness start to wane and light and love will find you once again. I love you. You will find someone who loves you even more. What is most important is that you learn to love yourself for the incredibly beautiful soul that you are.

Completely and unapologetically yours,

Your future self.

My boyfriend asked me last night: if you could go back and do college again, would your major be the same?

I realized that he thought I had gone to college for a major. I majored in English because it was the only subject freshman year I couldn't seem to fail. It meant nothing to me.

On the day I turned twenty, I cried. I was working at a fast food restaurant making minimum wage, for something to do. I was yelled at for being too slow. I couldn't even make a burger. I had also just been dumped.

I swore I wouldn't see thirty.

I still don't particularly like being alive. It's still really hard for me to function. But I do it anyway. I no longer have to flip burgers. I have a good life.

I'm scared but still here.

I think it's important to know what you're living for. Do you like your career path? Is that what drives you? Is it finding love? Is it family?

Once you find your purpose, you're good to go. As it turns out, mine wasn't flipping burgers. Or even being an English major. But with my writing I'm slowly putting the pieces together.

I think it's hard when you're young. I turned to one toxic man after the next looking for security and I found myself in therapy. Love was what I wanted most in life. I finally have it - and it took my entire twenties to find it.

Getting back "out there"? Like being alive, it comes with the fine print of life.

Just like turning thirty, you have to, sometime.

There isn’t anything

out there

in the space where

the lines are crossed

and Your silhouette is

no longer visible

that fills me

there is nothing outside

of You

that I would want to experience

nothing outside the inside of your

heart that calls me anymore

I’ve lived in it for so long

if I missed the call of Your voice

it’d kill me.

Out there -{renata ferretti}

To get out there, it's recommended to have a map. Out there is expansive and infinite in possibilities. Out there has no walls or limitations, but the roads are wide and the signs are hard to read. The conditions can be unforgiving, but they could also be lovely. See, the trees could be blooming, but you could have terrible allergies.

To get out there, it's advised to have a look in. Should you be aware of any allergies?

To get out there, it's important to first determine where you are. Look around the room - what kind of place is it? Does it have anything you can take with you? Gazing out the window can help as well, just remember that you can't see the whole world from your window. Then, you need to make a list. Pick up the notebook from that table - yes, that one - and title it: "Where I'm Going".

To get out there, it's imperative that you establish a detailed record. Your first entry will be a list. This list should cover where you are, what you're taking, and why you're leaving. But be prepared, there are other lists you have yet to make. Out there has something for everyone, and that's a serious promise. There is no shortage of place, yet the question is still "where?".

To get out there, it's critical to rule out where not. Out there is full of 'yes', so it's up to you to determine what's a 'no'. A good list starts with broad categories: North, South, East, West… Plateau, Mountain, Valley, Plain. Starting broad makes it easier to keep track of the smaller subcategories within. Which, by the way, you should be filling out to the best of your knowledge. And a list can be anything. It can be about people and things as much as it can be about places. A list can also be a test. Answer the easiest questions first, and return to the difficult ones later. Hopefully you have a blue or black pen on hand, because you'll be crossing out any destinations that just aren't for you. They can be as general as "North" or as specific as "my ex's house" - it all depends on where you are and what your list is about. Before proceeding to the next step, cross out anywhere that you definitely don’t want to go.

To get out there, it's encouraged to use reason. You probably have a few different directions left on your list, so you've started narrowing down your where. But to solidify your where, you must list out your why-s. You probably know where this is going - yes, rewrite your destinations on a new page with plenty of free space. A clear notebook reflects a clear mind, and we are here to gain clarity after all. Each place should have a good amount of why-s. If you find that a place isn't inspiring many, worry not - next we detail our why-nots before we are free to move forward. After this, your list should have a healthy index of the why-s and why-nots of each potential destination. Now, how is that proportion looking? You guessed it - you'll be crossing out anything with more why-nots than why-s. And with that, you are free to… begin the next list!

To get out there, it's helpful to calculate your routes. Turn to a new spread - on the left side, write out your list of destinations in order from closest to furthest. And if you have no sense of proximity, write them in whichever order you think of them. We often know more than we initially think we do. Now, you can create your map. As with any map, you start with a small circle labelled "you are here". Your destinations become other small circles, peppering your paper until you can decide: "Where I'm Going… First".

To get out there, you should know where you're going, where you're not going, and why. To get out there, you should know what's closest and what's furthest, but above all, you should know where you'd like to start. To get out there, you should take your notebook, full of lessons, goals, and dreams, so you can elaborate and cross-out at will. How you get somewhere is entirely dependent on where that place is. And when you figure out where you'd like to go, getting out there is the easiest part of all.

And when you do get out there, make sure you keep this guide handy. No matter where you end up, you might find that you're once again in need of a map.

Get back out there.

Out there is the future.

Out there is more.

When I say “out there”, I mean outside of your mind, I mean outside of your house, I mean outside of whatever routine you’ve got yourself stuck in. Allowing yourself to live with the same sorrow, regret, or shame, the same memories, the same few people – or maybe no people – is not giving life a fair chance.

Life is not meant to be lived alone, but in community. It’s not meant to be lived solely in a house, but in nature. It’s not meant to be lived in grief and worry and grumbling, but in joy, peace, and love. It’s not meant to be lived in the past or the future, but the present. And it’s not meant to be lived in darkness, but in light.

You will find yourself in dark places, physically and mentally and emotionally and spiritually. You will find that life is sometimes the toughest uphill climb, or even a seemingly never-ending trek across the flattest field. And sometimes, you’ll find that you’re thrown into the water, at a total loss of control, just trying to stay afloat. Sometimes you fall, and sometimes you start to sink. but you’re never really in trouble until you choose to stop climbing, stop walking, stop swimming. Whatever comes your way, you get back up again. You swim back to the surface. The urge to give up is your biggest threat. Complacency should be your greatest fear. But when you find yourself in that awful place, when the last thing you want to do is keep climbing, keep walking, keep swimming, do it anyway. Do it to make progress. Do it to grow. Do it to make a difference in the world. You were created for a purpose; go discover what is it, and once you do, work at it with everything in you, because no one can accomplish it quite as well as you can.

So go find a new opportunity. Go meet some beautiful new people. Go laugh and go cry. Go work and rest and dream and accomplish things. Go set goals and meet them. Go learn and grow. Go live.

Get back out there.

Some say you only feel loneliness when you are all alone.

This is not entirely true.

Yes, you can feel lonely when you are in a room by yourself, or when you are at a party but don't know anyone there, so you are sitting alone in the corner.

But I feel the most alone when I am in a group of people who I have know my whole life, but they don't really know me.

Or maybe they do, but they don't really see me.

I may be sitting on the same couch with five friends and my family, but I feel completely alone.

Unheard.

Unseen.

Unloved.

Because sure, maybe these people like me, but we all know none of them respect or love me.

And that is the loneliest feeling in the world.

A room of people you've known since birth, but none of them actually want you there.

Right now...

She's breathing, blinking and occasionally breaking.

To believe.

She's doubtful, divided and sometimes distant.

To decide.

She's lost, learning and usually loving.

To leave.

She's waiting, waivering and also wondering.

To wince.

Honestly?

I feel like the center of the universe, which may sound like a good thing, but it isn't. I feel like everything else is surrounding me and I am the center of it. But it's more like a tornado surrounding me instead of a thousand pretty stars.

Everyone has all these expectations of me. Hopes and dreams that they long for, and I will be the one to blame if they don't end up happening.

Everyone around me has problems and they all somehow expect me to fix them. But they don't want me to fix them any other way but their own. And if I mess up and accidentally resolve these problems some other way, then I will be blamed and they will have even more problems.

I don't know how I became the center. I certainly never asked for it. But I am always the person others rely on for advice and I am a peacemaker, so I guess it was always going to end up being this way. Everyone else relying on me and me having no one left to rely on myself.

But honestly? It's okay. Even if I feel like a huge weight is resting on my shoulders, even if I feel like the small eye of a huge tornado, I'm okay.

Why? Because even if it's hard, I know no one else will do it. No one else will volunteer to take on everyone else's problems, so that leaves me. And if this is all it takes to help the people around me, to give them someone to rely on, even if it is unbalanced and shaky help, I am okay with that.

I may not be able to rely on them, and it may not be a comfortable way to live, but I am hoping those people will feel loved and eventually realize that I need help too. So, even if it is hard, I will continue being the center of this universe or tornado.

And honestly, it is making me stronger.

I'm really angry. I mean, that's not surprising since we are only a week into a new year and the radical whites are acting up. But honestly, I don't care about that. I've taken enough ecology classes to know that people don't change the root cause of things. Fixing the foundation requires drilling into the house, and the populous don't trust that eventually, that small period of strife will be over. The saying "History repeats itself" is truncated from the saying "History repeats itself if you don't know about it", which honestly is the best representation of history I've ever read. These radical whites in their MAGA hats and anti-semitic gear carrying around nooses like a bunch of confused children whose Halloween has been canceled makes for good memes and some vacuous conversation comparing irritation from people scared that the house may be drilled into to people that are homeless asking for housing.

Analogies aside, good luck with all that noise. I am mad because I have to change my fucking minor again, tweak my goddamn schedule again, and send more emails to ensure that I can finally fucking graduate. I thought I had worked things out. I mean, I already had to add on another goddamn semester since I failed a required seminar class which meant changing my schedule again. Instead of sacrificing a class that I've wanted since freshman year, I'm holding onto it with a tight grip, which means begging to substitute classes and emails and blah. no one taught me how to write emails. How annoying is that? Gen Z gets a lot of shit for not knowing how to do things, but no one teaches us the fundamentals. Screw learning how to do my taxes. There are accountants for that shit. No one around this bitch wants to tell me how to send an email with accidentally slipping my existential dread in there? What's a good subject title that sounds professional with "fuck" in it? Who decided emails would be the professional communication system and didn't add a fucking manual to it?

What's most annoying about my situation is that I knew this was going to happen. Historically speaking, what I want to happen never does. If I'm excited about something, it gets fucked up. Classes especially. I am a biology major with a word minor. Fuck it, I don't know what I study anymore. I really like learning but at this point, I just wanna graduate and I don't care what my degree says. It's just so frustrating that the solution was so simple, and I couldn't figure it out myself. All I had to do was go to an English minor since they require so little and I can half-ass read books and bitch about them in some less than professional essays. I'll be honest, I gave up on MLA format a long time ago. You wanna hear about the motifs in Frankenstein, you're gonna hear me talk about how annoyed I am that I had to finally read the book and talk about how hilarious it is how based on Lord Byron it was.

I don't know where this is going. Every time I try to stop it, another paragraph just happens. Obviously, I need to get this out so I'm just gonna rant until the words fizzle out. I think this whole institution of learning is honestly so stupid. You know how irritating it is to walk around with an F in anatomy on my permanent record and still be able to explain parts of the body to people? How am I not learning? Sure, I googled a lot of answers to tests and often slept through classes, but I'm still retaining stuff. I know where the bursae are in the body. I may not have known what a single bone was named, but I know where they articulated and why by looking at them.

This is the problem with learning shit. Teachers throw textbooks at people and scream words at them and then say, "How did you not learn anything, you stupid gym sock?" Now, I'm walking around feeling stupid because I have an F as if I just didn't learn anything. Work is the same way. I go to work for money. We all know this. I don't care how much I say I like the company and the working environment, I'm just here to pay off my fucking credit card debt and afford to buy Pizza Hut. Yet, I work a lot to make nothing. I work so much that now that it's not busy, I feel lazy for doing nothing. I can go outside and look for more trash since one of the 20 people at the zoo is bound to be a nasty fuck, but it's cold and I now wake up at 9 am to wipe off a clean toilet for the thirtieth time and read books.

I think I'm just a little disillusioned right now. Breaks are supposed to be relaxing, and this hasn't been. This is that feeling when you go outside for the first time in three and a half hours to do your job then come back. You feel weird, as if you're cheating the system by being present and doing nothing. I work now because poverty because ordering delivery because I'm always inside because COVID, yet still can't pay off my debt. It's not even a staggering amount. It's $1200 [and continuously fluctuating because I am the worst at making myself do better], which I could usually make in a month but I'm so lost in my habit of buying stuff with my card that came after this miserable time period.

To be fair, I can't blame 2020 (though I do because societal pressure to not take accountability for shit). Just like these MAGA morons are historically inevitable, so is my predicament that I'm in. I historically like to spend money on things that make me happy and the lack of serotonin from the possibility of the outdoors is being produced by a different type of green. I like my job but I'm also lazy as hell and my bosses no longer being able to pressure me into working with the anxiety that some kid will shit in the middle of the floor of the women's bathroom again has led to a worrying precedent. My tendency to force myself to stay awake coupled with my natural adoration of being awake at night has screwed me to a point where I'm nervous that I can't recover. Plus, the thought of my school shutting down due to another grueling chapter of COVID and all of my classes being remote again open me up to the possibility of having an even longer sentence because of my inability to just be able to take in and spit information like everyone else.

In short, I'm frustrated because the cycle is repeating itself and I was smart enough to make it out of the loop this time and was sorely mistaken.