Throw me in the Deep End
Once, when I felt free,
I became aware of the bubble
I had been trapped in.
To think that there could be
an entirely different feeling
in this world I thought I knew...
To understand the existence
that was beyond my grasp.
This is what it feels like
to be cheated,
to be betrayed.
I long to glimpse
that moment again.
Where Life is about
Living,
Not just struggling
from one pain
to the next.
That Cow! The Pigs! Time’s Up!
The cow that jumped
Over the moon
Never made it back
Burned up in ruin
Then pigs fly
Way too fast, unsafe
They come back as bacon
Because the æther strafes
Time, too, goes airborne
Speeding up my life
But pays a frictional tariff
Air resistance is a knife
Getting the cow, the pig, and time
Up, up, and away, intact
Is the easy part of the physics
The real trick's getting them back
Looks can be deceiving
“There appears to have been a struggle.”
The captain and I were standing just inside the door to the apartment.
“I don't know, Cap. Don't you think it's a little over the top? I mean, look at that,” I said pointing to a shattered mirror.
“What about it?”
“Looks more like someone took a hammer to it than that it got knocked off a wall during a struggle.”
Cap walked over to the mirror and squatted down for a closer look. “You may be right, Les. But why make it look like a struggle?”
“To divert suspicion, of course.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, a struggle lends itself to thinking the victim fought off a stranger.”
“But you don't think so.”
“No.”
“You think the victim knew her killer.”
“You know she did, Cap.”
He slowly stood and faced me, his face a mask.
“The building security cameras were non-functional, but the neighbor across the hall has a door camera activated by movement.”
Cap paled.
“We have a clear video of the killer entering and leaving.”
Uniformed officers filed in.
“You don't understand. It was an accident…”
“Captain Maynard Brunson, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say…”
Identity Issues
I’m not you
and you’re not me;
we’re chameleons
who mimic what we see
and I saw you
pretending to be me
so I pretended to be you
and my heart broke free
from the pain and sorrow.
I thought you were the key
when I had inside
the strength I need.
You ran away first
and it killed me
so I ran away
when you came back to see
if our bond was more
than just sex and poetry.
So I still love you
but now I see
you aren’t my soulmate,
something unique to me;
we’re both just mirrors
that reflect everything.
And I’m not lost
to the irony
of what all of this
really means.
That in some ways,
you are like me,
but we both need to find ourselves
in order to be free.
Ineffable
Ineffable
September 22, 2024
The colors
More than the spectrum
Colors between colors
Colors without names
Colors seen nowhere else
The tranquility
Silence at negative decibels
Holding still
Almost posing
Perfectly undisturbed
The majesty
Heaven above
Meets Earth below
Synchronicity
Woven at the interface
The longevity
A comb swept stunning beauty
Not long for this world
Out of time with appreciation
My limerence object
Vivant all the same
The details aren't easy to share so I'll stay vague.
There were insults, there were cobwebs, there were touches
That metaphorically singed my skin in the worst way possible.
But I got out.
I lived through, as we humans do.
Two years from then,
I asked the leader of the group why it had happened.
Finally free of the space I was in,
Running from my depression the only way I knew how,
I left.
For the first time, I ignored my family's devotion to finishing things.
I ran for my life because I wanted to want to live.
I started anew.
So when I poured out my heart to this once-roommate, turned villain, turned stranger,
She could only say she was trying to help me.
And I...
I knew it was true.
Cruel.
Not fully accurate because if kindness had been her aim, the insults and mocking laughter were not required.
But it was, to her, the truth.
And I wondered.
The mind is the mind is the mind.
The body is the body is the body.
We each only get one.
If I could've looked into her head, would I have understood?
If I had lived my life in her shoes, would I be the one who could ever do such a thing to someone?
Strange thing about trauma is that it's like getting
Shot
In the stomach
With a bullet.
The pain usually more emotional and mental than physical
But I compare the two now only because
The person with the gun gets to walk away.
Unscathed.
While you, my dear, have to nurse yourself back to health as best you can.
Bleeding on the ground.
Waiting for someone to save you but realising no one else truly can.
Perspective.
To be alive is to know there are infinite possibilities.
I could be a soldier, a poet, a king.
Choosing one path nonetheless with every decision and every breath,
Even as life could branch out in limitless directions.
It's yours, it's yours, it's yours.
Your life.
I know it won't always feel like that's true but
There is no greater thing to know.
It's your mind.
Your body.
Your messy, chaotic, surreal little existence till the end.
There is no one else to feel what you do,
To hold your joy and your hurt in your heart so please...
Protect yourself.
Be kind to yourself.
Please try.
We have too short a timeline to waste it trying to be good enough for people who don't fully know us.
They can't see it.
They don't know
But you do.
You're the only one who can ever know all there is in your tired heart so
Live, live, live.
Exhausted
I’m getting so tired
of having to convince myself
it’s worth it to stay alive.
Always an uphill battle.
No love, no life, no future.
Just fighting and fighting
and for what?
As I watch everything fall apart
anyway.
I’m punching brick walls,
breaking my bones,
knuckles all bloody.
I could stand still
and let the flies eat away
at this decaying corpse of a body.
I want to shield my kids
from this shitstorm.
Keep their eyes closed
to the horrors and monsters.
But I’m afraid
I’m going to be called the monster.
I’m going to be blamed
for this asteroid that fell on my head.
And here I am,
no love, no life, no future.
A marionette being pulled
by some hellish puppet master
who apparently loves nothing more
than tearing lives to pieces.
I’m getting so tired
of having to convince myself
it’s worth it to stay alive.
But I have to find a way
for the sake of my kids.
They’re all I’ve got
until they’re gone too
just like everyone else.
You are important
Why are you sad my dear?
Don't you see?
This universe;
whose beginning we know not;
and whose end we can't see;
created you.
You originated from this vastness.
Every cell within you,
filled with Gods divine energy.
You are limitless my love.
Your pulse is the heartbeat of this universe.
You were created to be alive,
To breath in sync with those around you.
Your existence was divinely orchestrated.
The life force energy that fills the cosmos,
Exists within you.
Radiate it my love.
Show the world.
I am the universe.
My life has a purpose.
There is meaning to my existence
I am in servitude
You see.
Everyone who exists
Was created from that life force
We're all connected dear
We create an ecosystem
Our breaths are all in sync
To keep this earth full of life
You are important
Don't ever forget it
You are important.
