He cared a lot
He cared.
He cared enough to ask where she went
To yell
To take her phone
To keep her from the people who would hurt her
To take the car from her
To keep her at home
To leave when he hit her
To watch her from afar
To watch her through the window
To apologize the next morning
To give her flowers
To give her a ring
To tell her he loved her.
No one else had ever cared so much.
A little unorthodox but..
I could say spiders.
Or heights.
Or swamps.
Instead, I'll share my recent discovery of my true greatest fear.
When I was little and depression was only just beginning, I didn't know how to make sense of what was happening.
So instead, I gave that voice in my head a name.
Called it Connie, short for Conscience.
We would talk back and forth day by day.
In a strange way, I knew she was a part of me but instead, she became an imaginary friend for me.
Friend might not be the word for it...
She and I have known each other since those many years ago.
A figure in a black cloak, shrouded in darkness.
I know now that she is me.
I know now that if she rose that hood, it would be my face I see and no one else's.
I always feared that some day, she would come to me, raise the hood off her face and that was the day I would give up on life completely.
I still fear now that I might see her, again.
She was brought to life due to the silly musings if a child that couldn't understand themself.
No matter how grown up or broken I have become, that child is still a part of me.
And so is their fear.
Here's to never seeing her again.
Life isn't the prettiest but I didn't let that voice win then and I certainly won't, now.
Everything is Wonderful
We tell people we are fine
That nothing bothers us
We tell them that nothing hurt us
That nothing ever will.
But that is what everyone says
The only acceptable answer.
We can never really know if they are.
But okay is the only think you can.
I can't say anything else
So I say what I can
And I hope that no one can tell
That it isn't true.
I wish I could say
what I really feel.
But I can't
I just can't
I wish I could say that I was angry
That I wanted to do the unbelievable.
That I wanted to do something awfully
unpredictable.
I want to stop speaking in lies
I want to stop murdering my own soul.
I want to make sure they are fine.
But how can I.
"How are you?"
"I'm okay."
Deceit
He took me in
He let me grow,
He helped me
He cared.
He taught me how to fly
He smiled at every achievement.
He gave me grace when no one else would.
He made sure I was happy.
He took my broken pieces,
and he fixed me.
He sewed my heart together
He kept me from falling apart.
He told me what was best
He made sure I understood.
He fed me lies
truths.
His name was Deceit
He told them I was misled.
He twisted my sister
He lied to my brothers.
He sent me away
He said it was for the best.
He ordered me not to return
He told me never to speak to him again.
He told them I was gone.
I was dead.
He recounted an accident.
I had taken a great fall.
I found him again.
I asked
I wanted to know.
"Why did you abandon me?"
His response.
Chilling.
everything undone.
Death would come soon.
"I got everything
I wanted out of you,
I have no use for you.
You only cost me.
You can't sustain me,
You are dead."
Waste battle or not?
When I close my eyes
I wish for you to not be there
And when I open them
The tragedy of ours ends
Because we were right but,
oh so wrong at the same time
Because I gave,
And you just took
So when I close my eyes
And till I open them
The magnet of our hearts
Will no longer have the same match
The goodbye is near
The black hole will open
Are we gonna let it come through?
Or are we fight it?
