it's been over a year now.

they tell me to move on– you're sober now

i find myself wanting to reach out to you

never quite having the courage to try

its been over a year now

i am still afraid to look you in the eyes

still expecting see the same hatred in them

still too weak to say hello

its been over a year now

i still collapse onto my shower floor

eyes closed, breathing jagged

your face burned into my mind

its been over a year now

i see you but i don't recognize you

there's no life in you anymore

the happy memories seem more like a dream

its been over a year now

your name leaves a bitter taste

my body still freezes when you come around

my stomach turns when we make eye contact

its been over a year now

but it feels like yesterday

i've accepted it will never be the same between us

you will never be the same to me

#prose #drugs #depression #fear #anxiety

No one understands my mind,

So I isolate.

Go through the motions,

Get the necessities done.

Eat lunch alone,

Sit in lectures alone.

I crave comfort and connection,

But only if they understand.

Tired of pretending life is beautiful,

When all I see is darkness.

A smile can only remain on my shell for so long.

Do I come out of isolation to make you feel better?

Pretending is exhausting.

Is hiding the truth considered lying?

The ones I have told pretend it never happened.

Pretend I never lost or loved.

Pretend I am not in deep despair.

Or they don’t know.

I don’t tell them,

But I hoped she would know.

I hint at my true feelings,

But she could never understand.

I don’t want your tears.

I don’t want your sympathy.

I want understanding,

But where do I find it?

Who do I find it in?

I isolate myself from everyone.

My bed is my cocoon.

I leave my safe haven for him,

The one I have lost.

He used to isolate every day,

Even from me.

Now I follow in his footsteps.

It makes sense,

We handle pain in the same way.

Blood is thicker than water.

Blood was not thicker than beer.

Or cigarettes.

Permanently alone in my mind,

No matter where my body is located.

Permanently isolated due to the trauma,

No one will ever understand.

#nonfiction #poetry #challengeoftheweek #prosepoem #loss

it's not all just salt that looks like sugar

sometimes it's poison that looks like water

or snakes that look like women

you have to consider that some of us want to be fooled

with blade in fist and

the red that pools in self-conflicted injuries

convincing ourselves that we can be the

injured and the recovered all at once

appearances can be decieving but

maybe we're the deceitful ones

so good at lying that

we can mislead even ourselves

I woke up

unfortunately I woke up

I never felt like I could stay asleep

not with you

this asinine convergence

of fear and freedom

of hope and 'fuck this!'

one never without the other

I tried really

the smoke wasn't the issue

the fire wasn't to blame

but rather the hands

the hands that held the corpses

the rubble beneath the waves of black

I held them

but they were already

gone

#poetry #prose #loss #givingup

I never was a seamstress but, my God,

did I stitch that heavy heart of yours as best I could:

over and under and over again.

I saved my thread for you,

never wasting any on my own organ that

was weighed down and splitting at it's own seams

because of the guilt of having never sewn your own just right.

I know that you're gone.

I know that you're resentful.

I know that I never did love you how you wanted me to

but if ever we meet again, in another universe,

the first thing I'll tell ya is how

I have been practicing over and over again with that

over and under and over again stitch

and this time, it'll hold much better.

#poetry #prose #prosetry #gmb #gemnahmaleybray #meghanmorrill #mcm #mcmgmb #love #loss #jon #2015 #482005 #love #loss #permanence #life #stitch #sewing #stitching #heart #heavy #heavyheart #spilledink

nose red and swollen from all the cocaine you got me addicted to

i’m stuck wandering these desolate streets

in 40 degree weather, it’s all i can do to keep

these flimsy ass clothes on my back

but i still can’t seem to hate you

maybe it’s the drugs or the cold

or the fact i’m still thinking about you

falling in and out of sketchy people with houses too full

of shadows

i don’t seem to mind the shit i got myself into

no house no bed no identity

or maybe i’m still a missing girl on a poster

it makes no difference to me anymore

nothing really does

relying on park benches with soft corners and

thrown out grocery store food

sometimes, a mattress comes with the drugs

but they're almost always trying to whore me off

my body nothing but a means to get more more more

and, being a beggar that chooses

i try to find the right words to put on this one good piece of paper

cause if i'm going to go i need something

to leave behind

not wanting to admit drugs were a temporary fix cause

i lived these last few months

feeling fixed

and

i guess that’s all that really matters.

I took your memories

so

you could

sleep.

Dark, dangerous, and deep.

I slip through the—

mire

I choke on the—

miasma

I mutter through all the—

madness

You sleep—

dark, dangerous, and—

deep

#Famewriter, #poetry, #memory, #Sleep

Across the darkened street

Pale windows that

Glow like dying

Embers of a fire

Once strong dot

The building’s façade

I see the forms...shadows

Embracing caressing

Your touch

Comes to mind

And it hurts

And enslaves

I wonder are you

Gone or not

My hands punch

Into my pockets

And as I go the

Shadows retreat

into the past

#poetry #love #pain #writing #shadow #dark #prose #poem