Who dunnit?

Who?

New challenge~ enjoy!

Here’s the link:

https://theprose.com/challenge/11159

#WhoDunnit?

3rd Oct. 2020 ~Samedi.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=BhwmtksGmpQ

I don't remember much of my childhood, though I was told I was happy. I don't remember that feeling. All I remember is the pain.

I vaguely remember my younger self. The middle school me staining her pillow with the tears. Too depressed to continue with life, too cowardly to end it. Laying in bed completely paralyzed by the anguish.

I remember a little more of my high school years. My soul crushed under the weight of expectations. Always doing everything to please the rest of the world. I so desparately want the expectations to be replaced by fulfillment. I can never quite grasp it, no matter how I try.

My wings began to sprout in college. I continue to struggle, though at least I've begun to taste some freedom. I began to find small things that I can call my very own. But there's still a gnawing inside of me. A small voice telling me that there has to be more to life than just trying to survive one more day.

I am finally free of college. Only a few close friends believe I would finish strong enough to see graduation. Now what? I've done everything I'm supposed to do. I'm now done with all my schooling. My whole life is still ahead of me. Maybe now I can find some fulfillment?

I begin to take on a career. Some jobs are just a temporary resume booster. Others I take as a mere form of paying the rent. How is it that in all your years as a student, one ever tells you just how hard it is to keep a roof over your head? The bills are piling up and I have no idea how I can keep up.

I finally begin to build a career. The bills are daunting, but at least there's always food on the table. I am no longer struggling to survive. I can finally begin to find small ways to treat myself. Everything still feels so hollow. When will that feeling go away?

I am finally stable. The bills are being paid. I find a place I can finally call home. A job that will not vanish as quickly as it came. Why is it that I still don't feel happy? This should be enough, it only took me nearly 3 decades to achieve it after all. But it's not. I am not unhappy, merely numb. Stuck in an emotional purgatory.

Maybe I'm just not meant to experience true joy. I've spent a lifetime trying to find some small sliver of happiness. Why can I still find no evidence it exists? Maybe I'm just meant to spend my whole life being numb. Maybe this is as good as my life will get. Forever stuck in this emotional purgatory.

I use to dance with anger , we’d skipped to the beat of my heart , we use to tango with my tongue , we use to forget the moves and make it up as we go .. I use to dance with anger and sometimes more than often ... I miss the tempo only rage knows

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-Afraid of angry - because it reminds of being too black , too woman ... writes across my forehead monster , it's a word I try to distant myself from

#ifoundmymusic

ipickedupthepenonmytravelsaroundthewrld

I know what I want to know,

I want to know the unknown

I know what I want to have,

All that has been denied to me.

What I need,

Every want.

What I want,

Every need.

I need to know that the perseverence,

the anguish,

the love,

the passion,

Every day toiled behind my desk,

Writing words that may never meet foreign eyes,

Placing my dreams onto the page,

Will not be in vain.

I desire to reach the world with the written word,

to find a part of myself that I'm proud of,

to take bold risks,

to be good enough for my own expectations.

What will I desire?

More.

And then?

Always More.

My mind is blank,

I have writer's block.

The only rhyme I can think of

is dirty sock.

But, blank paper is opertunity.

Full of potientail.

Short times of writers block is a small fee

for the very best ideas.

My face smiles into that perfect one I’m forced to use,

—with slight down curve at the sides,

The ghungroo (bells) jingles wildly with each step I took,

—all the way grateful for friction on hard floor,

My trembling hasta mudras (hand gestures) sweeps the air with grace,

—a shaky grace veiled by the next partly perfect gesture.

Everyone stares,

maybe at the story I was trying hard to convey,

or perhaps just at me.

Everyone claps,

maybe at my performance,

or simply because it was over.

Nobody acknowledged me later,

Nobody asked if I was ok,

I had once again mastered in enshrouding my feelings,

The nervousness was cloaked,

which perhaps might have been noticed,

only by my bharatanatyam dance teacher. She always knows.

I giggled,

I had fooled all audience.

I am proud to announce that my "Ask an Atheist" challenge is offically over, and I'm prouder to say that it was, indeed, a successful experiment.

First, let me take a moment to say thank you to all who have participated in this and brought forth some intriguing questions. It brings me joy to see that everyone, whether theist or not, can come together and have a normal and professional discussion about religion. Truly awesome how we all were cooperative during this. Of course, where were a couple of people who were a little critical and judgment, but that was to be expected. I also appreciate a couple of joke questions from people thrown into the mix. It's nice to have some fun once and a while and not be so serious.

Second, I also want to give a very special thank you to fellow atheist Undermeyou for helping answer people's questions. I feel that she has handled them all a lot better than I ever could.

I hope everyone has learned a lot from each other during this past week or so. And I hope we've learned to be patient and respectful to everybody's thoughts and believes even if we all don't agree one hundred percent. As for those who were judgmental I do hope you've learned to be less judgmental in the future.

I also noticed that a couple other members have made their own challenges based on this so if anyone's interested have a look at the following:

https://theprose.com/challenge/9044

https://theprose.com/challenge/9048

And please be sure to enter in my Halloween/horror theme challenges. Don't forget to tag me in your entries. https://theprose.com/post/301513/revenge-of-the-rainbow-of-terror-mothafuckas-the-prequel

Dear Death,

I wanna bet.

No, not on the outcome of this game

That would surely be insane.

But that in life I will do better

So that when you come, I’ll be greater

To prove to you, that even if you’re inevitable

My life’s irrelevance is all but evitable.

The rules have been set

Will you stick around to see it met?

Or will you too, take on the bet?

If only I could return

to before

craving the affection of deceivers

and reaping the sting of trickery,

before

ignoring the sirens of truth

to embrace the sweetness of lies,

before

my treasure was devoured by beasts,

leaving my chest full of disappointment,

before

the seed of sorrow burrowed into my womb,

birthing an endless flow of tears,

before

passing by the meadow of reality

to pluck the fruit of illusion,

before

disobeying parent and God

to travel the path of fools.

©2019 Rosalin Moss